An absurd notion

The Jews were looking for a king to come romp the romans. They wanted a warrior to kick out their enemies and make the rich even richer. They wanted a politician that could unit and a military genius that could bring down wrath and revenge upon the enemies of Zion.

Instead God sent a baby... born in a stall surrounded by donkeys and sheep.

They expected a mighty warrior covered in gold and glory.

God sent a child born in filth and manure.

They expected someone which the powerful would bow down to. To whom the pharisees and sadducees would rally behind. Instead shepherds came to pay tribute.

At every turn God gave them the opposite of what they expected. Jesus came born into a poor family to a mother who had not yet wed. Born in a manger stall instead of in the halls of wealth. Forced to flee a mighty king and the swords of his men... A babe against the powers of man...

Who else to save mankind? Who else to change the world? Who else could walk in place of every man but this babe... this child born among the animal crap... But fully both God and man.

Merry Christmas. Thank you for sending your son.

...Under the trash (A repost from Christmas 2006)

I have been nosing around the book of Ecclesiastes this Advent season. I have found a seeker, a man roaming through the world searching for the true meaning of life. I see a wise man exploring wealth, fame and all manners of earthly pursuits. In the end, what does he find? He finds that all things are empty without a relationship with God. All things under the sun are trivial without find what's above the sun.

It was a brief second in the Popmart set. It was a tiny moment with enormous meaning. It was a throwaway gesture in which the whole Popmart thesis is understood. Perhaps it was even the whole point of the U2 dissertation of the nineties. The band was cranking up the volume in "Mofo" when Bono came to the line "Looking for the baby Jesus under the trash." As he sang those words, he gestured his arm to the biggest TV screen in the world, that huge golden arch and the mighty lemon. It was almost just a shrug, but the illumination it threw out was as bright as every spotlight, special effect, or image Willie Williams was flashing up from the light desk. All of this paraphernalia the band had around it night after night for most of the nineties was trash. What was more important was underneath it all. The use of Baby Jesus could mean the genesis of this thought is in the commercialization of Christmas, when Jesus, the real meaning of the season, is lost beneath wrapping paper, tinsel, stuffing, and Santa Claus. But it is a picture of a general loss of meaning or hope or truth. As we glance across the horizon of the loudest and brightest culture in the history of humankind, is there any chance we might find in the midst of all the shallowness something deeper, something more precious, something more lasting? Is Jesus lost? Or can He be retrieved from the garbage?
p. 119
Steve Stockman
Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2



In the work of U2 we see the same seeking. We see the same yearning to find spiritual meaning in the world. The postmodern world is one filled with a choir of voices... none of which pause in honor of the others. It’s a mass overload of sensory overload. It’s easy to be lost… but this bewildering landscape of shopping malls, pop-up adds and sound bites also brings us to the same truth that the seeker in the book of Ecclesiastes finds… The promises of this world are hallow.


Again, it was the searching for Jesus under the trash. "Mofo," which kicked off the show, begins with that statement of intending to look for something to save hi soul and fill the God-shaped hole. The seeking will be done in a barren desert place... There are still no comfortable refuges in the life of this Dublin boy, but the search continues. The compass points have not changed even though he may be in the wilderness in some kind of Old Testament wandering. It is still that God-shaped hole that captures the thinking of his heart, soul, and mind.
p. 121
Steve Stockman
Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2


Modernism, logic, reason, invention, political truth, and rationalism all leave you empty in the chilling emotional desert of this world. We find real life, real peace, in the spiritual. Thank god, that God is a intimate god, that reaches down into this world and becomes personal. He hasn’t stopped calling out to you, even though you are lost in the barrage of holiday chaos. He is as present as ever, in the midst of the hustle and bustle, drawing you towards His truth and His light.

Merry Christmas… Make it a personal one. Do not forget the reason for the season.

Looking for Baby Jesus... (A repost from Christmas 2006)

MOFO
U2

Looking for to save my save my soul
Looking in the places where no flowers grow
Looking for to fill that God shaped hole
Mother...mother sucking rock and roll

Holy dunc, spacejunk coming in for the splash
White dopes on punk staring into the flash
Looking for the baby Jesus under the trash

Bubble popping sugar dropping rock and roll
Mother...mother sucking rock and roll



Christmas time, a time when you see everyone at the stores buying last minute gifts for every person on their list. Everyone has a little religion around the holidays. Even the most stone cold heart says an occasional 'Merry Christmas.' We pack our front yards with lighted displays that stress that we are in the Christmas spirit. We have Santa's on the rooftops and we play catchy Christmas carols on the radio. But never forget during this time of tinsel string and blinking lights that underneath all the glitz and glamor of the holidays is a miraculous story, the story of a child in a manger, of a king sent for poor shepherd and commoners, of a God so caring that He'd become lowly to save ordinary folks like us. That is the heart of Christmas.

It might take a moment, but this year, take a moment, if only for a moment, and look for baby Jesus amongst the holiday trash. If even at a red light, look for Him for He is all around. Christmas with out the CHRIST is just a mess!

Grace and peace this holiday season!!!

long silence

So I haven't blogged in a while. Life gets busy... things get crazy. You have problems with life and love and your words disappear.

That's the deal. I cut ties with someone that had been very very close to me for a long long time. I would like to say it was easy but in truth it might have been the hardest thing I have ever done. Even now when things get bad I find myself reaching for my cell considering pushing that emergency button... But I have closed that door and must look forward.

I could pour through poems and verse and let my heart explode on this blog as it has here before... but the truth is, I was just ready to move on. I wanted something different. And that requires ending an old chapter and starting a new one.

I played my old songs at a Thursday night service. It went well. I am alive again. The old music still works... The words come out, the Spirit flows, lives change. It was ME that was broken. It was my heart that grew timid and cold. Now I feel the burning fire again and want my guitar to be like a sword imbued with the Living Word of God whirling through the darkness and penetrating the heart of man.

I can't do this when my mind is in a whirlwind of love sick drama. I can't do this when I feel ran under the hooves of a passing army. I cannot do this until I set Jesus as my center and push back the other voices to the outer reaches of my ears.

I have limited the noise and look now for fellow solders that are willing to fight the good fight with me.

I will not be silent any more.

Frustration

I have never felt so frustrated in my life.

I feel like a dammed up river that is about to explode.

Nothing is giving me peace anymore except praise and worship.

What does this mean? Are you changing me Lord? Is this some sort of fire that will purify me? Or is this the shedding of dry skin.

I don't know but I could scream at the top of my lunges. I hate this dying world. I had the scent of sin that permeates everything. I hate pain, I hate suffering. I hate corruption. I hate how the big guy wins and the little guy takes it on the chin. I hate it.

COME! Come savior. Make the poor rich and the weak strong. I WANT YOUR PRESENCE. I want you NOW.

I am so frustrated I can't stand still. SHATTER THIS WORLD... BREAK THIS DEAD DUSTY PLANE! Make me new again.

Who's Your Daddy?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God?  Or am I trying to
please men?  If I were still trying to please men I would not be a servant
of Christ. 
Galatians 1:10 NIV   


Its very telling in life to stop every now and then and look about and check yourself.  I have been doing this myself lately.  I don't want to live to make people happy.  I don't want to be a slave to popularity.  I want my life to be for a high purpose.  Perhaps I can live to please God and not people. 

We can only serve one master.  If we care more what a certain group of people think that what God wants from us we are not following Him.  Sometimes being a Christ-follower requires us to stand up against the crowd and do hard things.  We we do that, and suffer here on earth, we gain great reward in heaven. 

Who's your daddy?  Who's eyes are you trying to impress?

Shooting Rubberbands at the Moon

Its silly how dense we can be sometimes. We let happiness pass over us like a cool breeze without even noticing... then we take wild hay-maker punches at silly things that really don't make us happy.

Trying to make yourself happy is like shooting rubberbands at the moon. We just don't have the firepower to get it done. We need a bigger power to fill us up and give us meaning.

Sunday I played bass in church. It made me feel so so good. Then I stumble my own to my car and head back out into my own silly life of rubberband shooting and hay-maker punch swinging... And I am oblivious to the moment where I felt the feeling of peace inside of my own skin that I have so been craving!

Its silly.. I think we have some sort of innate desire to make OURSELVES happy. Its like we are Adam trying to wrestle the wheel of destiny out of God's hands and do it ourselves. But that course ALWAYS leaves us empty and in the ditch.

So... shooting rubberbands is foolish. But seeking that deeper source of joy is live-giving water. I need to yield the reigns and stop the attempts to make good on my own. I need to let a better Driver take the wheel.

Why

Why do we get so busy? Why do our calendars fill up and our lives become cluttered with unimportant things to do? Slowly we lose time to blog, lose reason to write, lose time to read and even faith to pray...

Little mundane things block our lives. We run here and there doing our unimportant business and we lose sight of the fact that God made us to worship Him. We are not ants just made to toil and carry the burdens all day long. We are thinking, creative beings meant to sing praises and write poems and lay prone on the earth and shout to the Lord that He is wonderful and that we love Him.

I have been far too busy. I need to cut the strings that are holding me back. I need to make the time. I need to clean the slate. I need to find the priority of Jesus... and anything in my way must be lost. Anything standing between me and my Savior must be let slip into the ether... No looking back. There are other worlds than this.

Lord... I am seeking Your Face.
AMEN

What's this life for?

"That's what I'm really good at." she said.

Last night I had an experience. It was amazing. It was one of those times where you feel the Spirit working on the room like a knot untying. I opened my mouth and spoke from the heart... what I barely recall. I felt something was about to happen. And when it did it touched my heart deeply. I see my purpose in life. I know it down to my core. Sharing my experience with a friend, she reinforced that its my calling... and expressed how, like quicksand, its easy to slip away from the Path of the Beam and struggle to find your way back.

I want a new profession. I want to be a lifeguard. But I don't want to save a life for a year or two or ten. I want to offer a chance at eternity. Leading others to the cross is amazing. Its better than anything else in the world.

I am still puzzled, dumb struck that the same god that painted that amazing sky this afternoon, the same creator that drew that rainbow in the sky, is the same GOD that loves me and calls to me by name. AWESOME! It makes one feel so special.

I have wasted a lot of time, spinning wheels and collecting stuff. Stuff is meaningless. Stuff turns to dust. Things the world values rusts. But I know a place where treasure lasts for eternity.

We were meant to live for so much more than this dusty old world has to offer. We were meant to amazing adventures that lead others to the Kingdom.

Join me. Let's shine for HIM.

Birthday

Thanks everyone for making this birthday special. Its been a hard one for me. It is my first birthday alone. The cookies and cards and birthday texts and facebook messages all made me feel important. Really.

Pray for me. I am going through some changes. I am very unsure of myself. I have seen the Lord working through me... but I also feel the enemy lurking. He always fights us when we are doing good work for the Kingdom. So pray for strength and wisdom. I need it.

Lord, protect me from flaming arrows.... AMEN!

falling in love

Want to know what I really want to do? I want to fall in love with God again. I want to yearn for Him like a lover misses his lady's face. I want sweet words of praise and adoration to drip from my lips like romeo wooing Juliet. I want the songs I write to burn with passion for the Creator of the heavens and the earth. I want my life to be a big giant pulsing heart the pound love for God.

I am to ache for Him when I stray. I want Him to wrap me in His arms and fill me up. I want His approval to mean the everything to me. I want to disappear into a sea of Him forever. I want to sail in the great Mysteries of His Word. I want to seek His Truth. I want to be a beacon for His Light. I want to reflect him.

I am the Moon and HE is the Sun. I am nothing but a dull, dead rock with out His light. I am cold. I am barren. I am nothing. I want to be illuminated by His Power.

LORD JESUS, FILL ME UP! LET ME FALL IN LOVE AGAIN WITH YOU EACH DAY! A GOD LIKE YOU IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND.

something big

I had a teenage freshman tell me today, "Something big is about to happen. I can feel it. I don't know what it is but be ready."

I have to agree. I can feel it building too. Something is unfolding like a butterfly out of its cocoon, preparing to flap its wings for the first time. I don't have any clue what it is but I think we all better prepare to see God's glory unfold.

It happens from time to time, the Spirit moves, lives change, clay is shaped into wonderful works of art. You had best get ready for something awesome... Because its building. You can almost touch it.

Lord, BRING IT! Amen

Awakening

I was driving into school rocking out Switchfoot's Awakening. I haven't listened to the San Diego boys much lately. I have been running from the feelings I feel when I hear them.

But after last night's AMAZING service and all that the Lord has done to me and through me (despite my continued feet dragging and self-doubt) I knew it was time to get that old feeling back.

Rocking out to the song brought back old memories... old feelings of a time when being in the Spirit was not unusual. Lately I have been in the desert. Drinks of Water have been rare and live saving. But once every moment of the day was a reason to praise, an excuse to worship, a moment to raise you hands, lower your guard and just thank Him for His grace and mercy.

Then it hit me, like a giant fly swatter upon me, during the drilling, pounding, thundering drums of the bridge of that Switchfoot song. And clearly I heard a voice say to me, "Pound the drum, make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth."

And I was washed in the Spirit and just worshiped Him with words over flowing and my hands raised.

When I came to, I was driving 75 down the little highway between Grinnell and New Sharon and the song was over. Tears ran down my face. What does this mean? I do not fully know. But it was a gift.

Lord, wash me every day! AMEN

Thirsty Thursday

I keep hearing people talk about thirty Thursday. They seem to have added an extra day to the weekend. Hey, that's cool. I am all for having fun. But, friends, I have discovered my own event to attend on Thursday's night. And yes, I it makes me thirst.

I have been attending a pretty darn amazing service put on by some college kids. They have good lights and loud music and the Living Word of God. There is praying and an alter and healing and tears. It reminds me of a little group back in western Iowa that used to try the same thing. What else do I see? I see changed lives. And that is what the Good News is really about... Changing lives.

Lord I want more of YOU. Living Water rain down on me
Lord I need more of YOU. Living Breath of Life come fill me up

We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you
We are thirsty Oh Jesus! We are thirsty for more of You


I am thirsty. I am thirsty for the awesome power of Jesus!

Bible Study

So I was on my way out of school today and I passed the little kids at Good News Club in the elementary lunch room. They were learning about a Bible story. As I heard the man reading the Word, something inside me jumped. I know that feeling. I miss it. I want to feel it again.

Back in the day I ran an ecumenical Bible study on Thursday mornings at my old school. I loved it because it was a real way to show our faith in the school, and it was awesome because it PUSHED me so hard to have to find something to teach every week. God always provided something. It took prayer, trust and a lot of reading on my own to always have something for them to see. But God was there helping every step of the way.

Yeah, I miss that feeling. I think He's urging me back towards teaching the Word. I know its my gift and the pain and empty I feel is probably directly tied to the fact that I am not using that gift right now. So perhaps its time to start praying for the opportunity to lead a Bible study again. God willing... I think I may be ready to do it again.

Pray for me, please. Its been a hard time in my life. It's like I'm finding my way again. But I have so much doubt!

This is Your Life

What do you want out of life?
What drives you?
What are you living for?
If you made a list of priorities in your life, what would be at the top?

I had an art project for my freshmen recently where they made a list of the three most important things in their lives and then made artwork about them. I had a lot of students write down things like-

My Friends
My Cellphone
God

That is very telling. And I am not saying that its good or bad... Just honest. Are your friends important to you? Are you sharing your faith with them? Are you sharing that you once were lost but now you feel alive because of a living God has come into your life?

Is your cellphone important? I know mine is to me. Is it the conduit for good or bad? When was the last time you texted anyone words of encouragement? When was the last time you prayed over the phone with someone?

And is God really important to you? Do you wake up and scream that you want to live for Him? Is He the driving force in your life? Or is He a distant God that you don't want to anger? Are you living in fear or living in Jesus? This is your life... What are you living for?

Now I am an artist and everything in the end comes back to art for me. This life should be a work of art for Jesus. How will be display in glory through our lives today?
Don't me ordinary. Make each day EXTRAORDINARY.

Oh God! A new song in A minor

Oh God, oh God. I need you now.
Oh God, Oh God. Hear me some how.
I lay here... and I stretch out my hands
Nothing else will satisfy this brokenness but YOU.

Oh God, Oh God, Hear my moan,
Deep inside, my spirit groans,
Everywhere I've search for answers but they leave me blind,
Oh God, Oh God... Free me this time.


You kept my eyes open, When I was too down to speak,
You lifted me up, when my spirit was weak.
Oh God, Oh God, can you still hear me now?
Oh God, Oh God, rescue me somehow.

Psalm 77

I emailed one of the strong motherly figures in my life, one that I haven't spoken to in about a year, since I moved back to God's country. She was so kind and so supportive. She offered me a Bible verse to read and I am going to post it here for you all to read too. Perhaps one of my readers will be in a place where the words give them comfort as well.

Perhaps the words will inform my inner voice, which has been rather quiet of late. I am writing music again, and while I have some cool licks and melodies, words of praise and worship aren't readily dripping from my tongue. I think deep inside I am waiting for something, some kind of catalyst to trigger the opening of some hidden door, then the words will flow again.

So I read and reflect on the words of Psalm 77. May they calm the storm in me and perhaps inspire my inner Bollman to sing again new songs of His love, healing and mercy.

Psalm 77

For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Turn-ons

I was asked the other day what I wanted in a partner. I have thought this over a long, long time and I am ready to announce my list.

Most important quality- She has to be a hardcore Jesus chick! She needs to be able to pray with power and authority and have no fear sharing her testimonial. Cool Christian tatts are also a big big turn on for me.

2- She needs to have a servant heart, ready to give to others, willing to serve and never afraid to get into down and dirty mission work. Those who really know me get this.

3- She needs to love me like a house on fire. She needs to believe in me and help chase the doubt away.

4- She needs to have a beautiful mind with a hunger to learn more. No part of a woman is more intriguing that a stimulating mind.

All other parts are just frosting. Sure I like a beautiful lady at my side... but long term, I want to be with that Jesus-Chick that is willing to push me to be all I can be.

not enough

I want more.
A little is not enough.
I want to delve deeper, to strive farther.

I am not content with standing on the corner of something amazing.
I want to dive in.
I don't want the crumbs... I am not even satisfied with devouring the meat. I want to suck the marrow from the bone.

A little is not enough anymore. I need more of You.

Psalm 63
A David Psalm, When He Was out in the Judean Wilderness

1 God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.

2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

I Come now Spirit! I am ready. Amen

In the Secret

Back were I belong

I am going to be real real... I have really missed my friends from the old band days. My friendships, especially with Cody and Chris were such a great source of joy in my life and I haven't filled the gap left in my heart.

What a gift it is to laugh. What a joy it is to relax and tell stupid stories. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by Christian friends that love you unconditionally. We made music, we tossed a frisbee, we played ping pong, we went to movies, an occational haunted house, we made burger king runs in our smelly old van and we praised the Lord together. It was a great time.

I am still friends with Chris and we text often, share music and books and such... But I miss having that face to face with strong believers that can reassure me that I can be a goofball, love Star Wars and Monty Python and still rock hard for Jesus.

Lately I started praying for Christian friends... And it is very funny, you know, its like you get what you ask for sometimes.

Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Matt 7:7

It seems I am falling into a group of strong believers very similar to my old clutch. Now I will never replace Chris. But Its so good to know that I might have found friends that would want to go play lazer tag, or mosh at concert, or catch the newest sci-fi flick with me... I am not the only geek on this island after all.

Thank you God. I should have asked ages ago. AMEN

Run Forrest Run!

I had a close in counter with God on Sunday.

I went to church- that's right! Big step for me. I went knowing I needed something... not knowing what to expect. But as with His awesome Grace, He gave me what I needed.

I went forward and an elder, deacon-type came and laid his hand on me. He started praying for me and I felt the Spirit wash over me. I had a clear vision appear in my mind, there I was, barely able to walk. I was bound by leg braces like the young Forrest Gump.

He told me, "You know what those braces are? They are chains holding you back... They are just your FEARS... your PAIN... your DOUBTS... They are Satan's trick... and he has no hold over you, child of God, heir to the Promise."

I saw myself running right out of those bounds like Forrest Gump when Jenny yelled, "RUN FOREST RUN!"

And that is it! I didn't have to leave bound by fear. I could run out whenever I was ready. I could run out free! Free in DEED! I could run out and be that soldier for Jesus.

I didn't leave until I was completely free.

songs to myself

I have started playing the old songs again, the ones from the bands days.

Somehow they all seem written from the four years ago me to the right now me. Its like I made a blueprint on how to run back to the arms of the Savior. And I recorded the blissful feeling and intrinsic joy that service gave me.

Now I'm beginning to feel the tug at my heart to use my gift again. Maybe its time I returned to teaching. The music and the jumping and the screaming were all just a gimmick to get kids to listen. What was really important was sharing the Light.

But where? Where do I go to start teaching kids again. Do I just use my life as a vessel? That's really really scary. But God does take us to radical places. He uses us to spread the Word with acts of real attrition and self-sacrifice. I have been the radical, on-fire Jesus Freak before.

I feel myself being pulled back into that vortex of bliss, and joy and danger. Its time I join a church. GULP... back into the saddle. Back down the path of the beam. Back into the service of the King.

Who's with me?

Yo-yo

Lately I have felt like a yo-yo. I have been so up and down. Then about two weeks ago I felt like I runs running thin, loosing momentum and hitting the bottom of my strong, emotionally limp, just hanging there.

I have looked many places for answers. I have looked to my own inner discipline, doubling my work-outs, grinding through hip and back pain, adding weight, pushing my number of push-ups up and up. It still feel empty.

I have looked to my dear, dear friend who I love with all my heart. I have wanted her to fill this gap inside me. But the more I push the further away she seems. We still love each other but we both have things eating at us... and my stubborn resolve to force things together wont work. Love has to be easy and free- not rammed into place with a crow bar.

I have looked for professional satisfaction, trying harder and harder to be as good a teacher as I can be. And while it is great to see kids learning... my insides are still aching.

I have tried to pour my soul into my music... and there I am getting closer. There I am reaching for a goal. Getting closer to the prize.

I have a few students that are witnessing to me right now. They are speaking to me about how Christ is working in their hearts. Sometimes I talk back. Sometimes I share my experiences. Sometimes I let slip through the cracks in my fingers the light that I squeeze so tight in the palms of my clutched hands. That's when I feel good. That is when I feel alive.

When I yell at my friend, she gets hurt. She runs aways. When I pray for her, we share sweet, sweet conversations.

When I read the Bible, I feel focused.

When I go to church I feel alive.

When I play the old songs... oh the old songs... I am Brant Bollman again. I am not a yo-yo. I am whole.

I need more of HIM and less of all the noise in my life. I need to lean MORE on Him and less on my own anger and stubborn will. I need to let go. I need to let the light shine.

Its scary. Its so so scary. But its better than going up and down.

Father

My most import job that I have right now is being that best father that I can be. I was reminded of that this weekend. All other things come second.

I want my kids healthy and happy.

WOW!

Its been a long and crazy week. I feel under attack. Pray for me.

Lord, be my strength and my shield! I can do all things through you! AMEN!

Pole

We met at the pole this morning. Just a few in numbers but strong in faith.

We met at the pole to pray for our nation, our town and our school.

We met at the pole and locked hands and prayed.

I prayed... I need YOUR voice in my heart.

WE need YOUR voice in our halls.

We need your LOVE in our LIVES.

We met at the pole... what happens next?

Humpty

I used to think my heart was like Humpty Dumpty. It was broken and nothing could piece it back together again.

Now I am beginning to see that it is broken... True! But it can be like a mosaic. Broken, sure, but given to the right Artist it can be worked back together into something better than it ever was.

I am writing a new song...

Beautifully Broken, Wonderfully Saved

Homecoming

I just found out that there won't be church on Thursday night because of my school's Homecoming coronation. WOW!! What a letdown. I am really burning for church and fellowship and Word and worship and praise. I don't want to skip a week for a popularity contest...

Let me tell you something... the only KING is Jesus Christ. and the only Homecoming that matters is His!!

Not the Point

I had a strange experience the other day. An old friend sent me a rather nasty message through a social network. He was concerned that I wasn't living a virtuous life and that I had fallen away from my faith. It was quite judgmental and condescending.

His heart, I believe, was in the right place. And believe me, I have been running from the Lord a lot lately. I have turned off my creative juices and tucked up into a ball like an armadillo to protect myself from old wounds. And that hasn't worked for me at all. I just find myself cold, lonely and separated from that warming Spirit that gives me a greater purpose than getting up to turn off the alarm clock every morning. But this person 's message did not pull me through. It just made me mad.

It's funny. If you are truly concerned about a brother or sister, what you should do is reach out to them. Ask them, "Hey man... how ya doing?" or "Is everything cool with you?"

It's a very Christ-like thing to reach out to someone who is struggling. And He reached out and offered hope. He gave the light. He offered healing, love and redemption. That is best done with an open hand and kind heart.

I am working at this relationship with Christ. I am laying down some old pain and getting back into the world as a missionary for Him right where I am. I will have my ups and downs. I will fail at times but I am back and I am following Him.

I look around my life and I see many people that seem shut off and in pain. I see friends that were once very close to the Lord who have fallen away also. Part of this new quest is to reach out to them. I strive to show them love, kindness and caring. May that be the light that leads them to back to Jesus.

Obsessions

Back in high school we were assigned to read Melville's epic story Moby Dick in English class. It turns out that I never had time to do so. I was too busy combing my hair or whatever I used to do back then. But thanks to an episode of the equally classic 90's Saturday morning cartoon, Bettlejuice, entitled Moby Richard, I was able to pass the test over the story. No problem!

Later in life, now that I have developed a slower pace and a deeper appreciation for stories without spaceships and laser guns, I have enjoyed going back and rereading those stories that I blew through in a hurry... and finally visit those I never even touched at all. It has been quite the learning experience.

"All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it."
- Moby Dick, Herman Melville

And so our hearts do become cold and wicked. We pick an obsession and we chase it to the end. We go down with the ship, blind and oblivious to the ramifications of our madness. Often times in life I have pressed the accelerator to the floor in my own name. I have let curses spill from my lips and have have cared not for what I ran asunder on my quest.

That is not God. Christ wants us to be poured out as a sacrifice... not to plummet to a self-centered doom. It is the tale of man from Adam on down. We see it in David and his affair with Bathsheba. We see it over and over. When do we stop the hunt? When do we yield? When do we let our made-up white whales slip beneath the sea and allow vengeance to escape through our fingers like sand?

When do we trust in Him?

Through the Fog

I was driving into work this morning. I rounded a bend and I drove into a bank of fog. It was so thick, like a soup. I was lost in gray, hazy nothingness. It was terrifying. I lost all my bearings.

I caught my breath, looked around, and the only thing I could find in all the fog was the sun. It tore through the thickness with a burning orange light. There was the sun... and then there was the wall of this world that I was lost in. I focused, relaxed and drove through the mist safely back down the roadway to work.

Now, on the other side of the wall of fog, I am left thinking about the larger metaphor and where I am now in my life... and my walk... if you can really call it a walk at all... with my Savior. I am left searching through this fog... and the only thing that matters is the SON.

--- Not my cool new shoes.
--- Not my brand new cellphone.
--- Not my shirt from the buckle.
--- Not my weight loss or how much bigger my arms are...

Those things haven't brought me out of my fog. They only have left me searching. I need the sun... I need the SON burning orange hot through my fog.

So... I do not walk back tonight. I RUN BACK. I am the prodigal. I see Him and I will beg to but be as a servant feeding the swine. Tonight I run back through the fog.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship and its all about you... all about you Jesus!