Mr. Frost

Lately I have been reading a lot of Robert Frost. It’s interesting that I am learning a lot about who I am from America’s country bard. I’m beginning to understand who I am and who I was and how my tastes have change through time.

In my younger days I didn’t get Frost. I found his lyrics slow and quiet. I would read them, and like a dud firecracker when there wasn’t an immediate boom I’d move on to something louder, hungrier and more passionate. Walt Whitman was my choice. He was a man after my own heart. Perhaps I should say he was the madman after my own heart. He went about devouring everything is his path. Whitman’s writings are wild and as unruly as the poet’s feral appearance. Whitman is a machine gun out of control mowing down everything in his path.

With great delight I have rediscovered Frost. His rhyme and structure are ordered, quiet, and subtle. Each one is its own little puzzle that challenges you to think. To find the marrow of Frost’s work you have to look around corners and under rocks for little hidden mysteries. These days, I value that slower pace. I yearn for the quiet. I am intrigued by the deeper meaning hovering underneath Frost’s work. Reading his work is almost a different activity. Whitman sprinted about jumping and shouting while Frost strolled through a quiet meadow and contemplated the meaning of life, love and God hidden in each blade of grass.

It’s funny how I have changed and how evident that is in my taste for poetry. I no longer am in that hurry. I have eased up on the accelerator that was once jammed ever down to the floorboard as I raced through life. I am taking time to stop, look around and take life in. Some days I wish I were younger. It would likely make my relationships much easier. But the truth is that the brash, impulsive person I was in college, the one that wanted to speed recklessly through life with the medal to the metal and consume everything in his path and leave life as a shooting star, that person wouldn’t have made the strong, lasting bonds that I have made with these past two years.

The Lord’s timing is a funny thing. It isn’t always simple or convenient. He works differently then we do. It often isn’t easy for others to understand. But He doesn’t give us what we want. He gives us what we NEED.

I am finding grace in my friendships in places I never expected. I have found people that share my values and goals and want to devout their lives to serving the Lord just as I do. I thank God for putting them in my life.

The Robert Frost reading, more patient Brant is ready to look for the mysterious and unexpected… even if it requires searching under each rock and each blade of grass during long walks in the country. It’s amazing. You never know where you can find love.

Gordon the Express Engine

My son loves Thomas the Tank Engine. He spends his time turning my little apartment into a jumble of train tracks. He flips over laundry baskets and stacks blocks and winds blue plastic tracks everywhere.

We were hanging out watching a video of Thomas and Friends and I was reminded of the Gospel. There is a large steam engine named Gordon that pulls the express. He thinks himself the fastest, the best, and the most important engine on the entire island of Sodor. Often times, this causes him to stumble. His pride becomes arrogance and his arrogance leads him astray.



In this episode, Gordon finds himself hauling freight cars (a task much to undignified for a majestic engine such as himself). "I'm an express engine! I don't haul dirty freight cars." Gordan exclaimed. But the train station manager, Sir Toppum Hat, saw to it that the big, blue express engine did as he was told.





Rumbling down the tracks, freight cars in tow, Gordon grumbled all the way. 'I am too good for this. I should be doing things my own way.'

When he came to a stretch marked GO SLOW, Gordon chuffed, "I am an express! I don't go slow!" and he steamed ahead faster. But when he came to a tricky patch of tracks the weight was too much for him and he went wight off the tracks. He careened down a hill, crashed through a manure pile, slammed through a pile of old tires and crashed right through a barn.

Gordon was humiliated. Sir Toppum Hat arrived and scolded him. He reminded him that he desires very usual engines. But then he called for the breakdown train to come and help clean up the mess and get Gordon back on track.

His lesson learned, Gordon returned to work humbled and more accepting of his position. He saw being an express as a gift but not as a privilege to be better than anyone else.

We are a lot like Gordon. We think that God has made us better than others. We think we are more special or set apart. Often we don't want to do dirty jobs... even when called by the Lord to do so. Look at Jonah for example. He didn't want to Nineveh. So he took off for the end of the earth instead.

When our pride turns to arrogance, we start making our own decisions instead of following God's will. Eventually our lives get out of control and we go off track. We even crash. Sometimes that crash is quite messy indeed. But God still loves us. He is always right there to help us back on track. He reminds us that He is GOD and that we are not. But He takes us back and puts us back into service for Him.

He wants us to be very usual Christ-followers, using our gifts not to boost our own station or boast our superiority, but to bring glory to our Father.

He always gets us back on track. ALWAYS.

My Desire

Just in case you have forgotten what it is all about let's take a moment and listen to Jeremy Camp and let him focus our hearts and our minds back where they belong.



My Desire
Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use

Graduation

I was part of an amazing church ceremony. It was graduation morning and surrounded by friends, family, and the smell of egg bake, we celebrated Amanda's graduation. In her living room, sitting in a circle we praised God, thanked Him for giving us such a shining star, and set her on her way into this world where we all know that she will be a Light Barer.

We started with music. Chris and I leading the singing on Open the Eyes of My Heart, a tune that we did at every G-squared. That is very fitting since Amanda was at every G-squared and in fact was often a vital part, leading prayer, reading Scripture, or sharing her testimonial.

After this, Calla Johnson gave a message directed towards Amanda but received by us all. The meaning? Jesus Christ's love is a force that is unstoppable. The world is hurt by sin and there are people chosen by God to be the love and to shine in the darkness and help people stop hurting.

"You are the light of the world. Let your light shine before others, so they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:14, 16

We all shared moments when we were with Amanda where the Lord's love shined through. There was at the Veteran Stand Down when she touched the heart of a homeless veteran and the Lord started working in her heart. There was the experience on the West Virginia Mission Trip where she saw a miracle. There was at the Open Door Mission when we met Kevin and saw Grace working in him like an atomic bomb. All of those moments were times when God was showing her something important... that He is alive and amazing and accessible today. Amanda, shaped by those events just doesn't believe this... She lives it. She always reminds me the power of prayer- not passive prayers like thank you cards to God, but powerful prayers like a hammer striking an anvil.

Amanda has been shaped by trials as well. She has lost people dear to her, had her life changed by divorce and lived through attacks from the evil one. This past year she has handle with faith and dignity events that people twice her age wouldn't have handled. Why did God allow her to endure these things? Calla purposed that He is preparing her to face great challenges in the future. Serving the Lord is NEVER easy. Enemies try and strike you down every chance they get. But God is there in the dark times just as close as He is when there are miracles and triumphs. And that she has taken to heart. She is ready for trials.



Next we all formed a circle around Amanda and laid hands on her. We prayed for her, thanking God for getting to know her, bidding that He watch over her and keep her safe, and reminding her that we are always there for her. It was amazing.

Finally, Calla next played Lifesong by Casting Crowns and dedicated the song to Amanda.



We all know that the Lord has special plans for her. We have been blessed to share some time with her on her walk with the Lord. It was a very special ceremony for a very special person at the end of one stage in all of our lives.

Go with God and do amazing things, Amanda. We have you back!

Numbers

Hey friends,

I just wanted to make a quick shout out to all my friends. Me second LG Chocolate phone puked out on me!!! I got a replacement but I have lost a lot of numbers. If you read this and haven't got a text from me lately, please send me a quick text so I can save your number back into my address book.


Also, in two weeks I will switch over to the following email address fulltime-

bbollman@thrownroom.com

Grace and peace,

Bollman

Agents of Evil

Inspired by Amanda's poem, I have been thinking about agents of the evil one. In the past, I have compared the devil's handy work to that of the Emperor in Star Wars: Episode III. But Amanda's words lead me to the Bible.

"you" by Amanda Robertson

We all remember King Herod from the magi in Nativity story. He was a power-hungry, evil man willing to stop at nothing to keep his authority. Today is no different. There are always herods, people that are jealous of the light. They attack it, even try to destroy it by any means possible.

The magi were on a mission. They traveled across the land with a just purpose. They sought JESUS. They wanted to worship the child that would be King of the Jews. They came to honor Him, pay Him tribute, to give Him praise.

Herod was a vile and jealous man. He could not stand anything being honored but himself. He had to be the one in the limelight. Anything or anyone else was a threat... Even a little baby born in a cave. Herod hated the light and he would do anything to stomp it out.

What a snake! When the magi came to Herod seeking the mysteries of the star, he pretended to also want to meet the Christ-child.

He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

Matthew 2:8

Sometimes the devil has agents that pretend to be seeking the truth. But in fact they are acting just like Herod. They sneak into the flock like a wolf in sheep's clothing. They pretend to be fellow seekers. But in fact they merely seek targets to attack and destroy.

But the Lord gave the magi wisdom, and they did not return to Herod to expose the location of the Christ-child. Instead they presented Him gifts and headed on their way.

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.

Matthew 2:16

In the end, those jealous of the Light will do any dastardly deed to try and destroy it. But will not succeed.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

John 3:19-21


Perhaps when you read these words you too have someone leap into your mind. Maybe you know someone that is a herod. But as Christ-followers we must be faithful and live by truth. There, in the light, the misdeeds of the agents of evil may be revealed.

A Lamp in the Night

As I have stated, I am heading out into the big world. I think of myself as an adventurer boarding a ship for a strange new world. Where I go only the Lord knows. But I will carry this lamp as my guide.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105



Your Words

Darkness falls, safe harbor disappears behind me,
Bitter cold envelops me, I pull my cloak tight
Deep purple fills the world and pulls my heart down
my fears become ghosts and whisper that I am lost and dying

The sounds of night haunt me
The cry of invisible beasts bring my feet to a gallop
I lose my footing, I stumble
Darkness buries me, I am lost and dying

But then the light, the light that pierces the dark
The warm yellow shaft, like a sword
Sweeps through the murk and gives sight to my blind eyes,
My feet find the ground, my heart swells

Lord you are my light
When I am trapped in the dark I look for you
Lord, your Words sooth me, they rescue me
They pick me up, they comfort me in this dark wilderness.

Lord, Your words are like a torch in the darkness
They light my way
I will not fail with you warming my world
I will carrying that light always

Repost and Comments Wayfaring Stranger 2/25/06

The Following blog entry was originally posted on 2/25/06 after a folk jam with my old friends Tom Potts, Terry Crosley and the gang in Kimballton. I was listening to The Beautiful Letdown the other day and it brought me right back here- to that moment- contemplating tears on the West Virginia mission trip.

---

WAYFARING STRANGER

I am a poor wayfaring stranger,
While traveling through this world of woe.
Yet there’s no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright world to which I go.
I’m going there to see my Father;
I’m going there no more to roam.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

I know dark clouds will gather round me;
I know my way is rough and steep.
But golden fields lie out before me
Where God’s redeemed shall ever sleep.
I’m going there to see my mother,
She said she’d meet me when I come.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

I’ll soon be free from every trial,
My body sleep in the churchyard;
I’ll drop the cross of self denial
And enter on my great reward.
I’m going there to see my Savior,
To sing His praise forevermore.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

We are just travelers here. Whether you are cognoscente of it or not, you too are on a road to a different place. For a long stretch of my life I was working so hard to heap up things that matter in this world. I cared about status and money and such. I was focused on the things in front of me. That is all I could... all I could imagine.

"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or--worse!-stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

-Matthew 6:19-20

Then the revelation came during that summer mission trip to Charleston, WV. The Lord utilized me in ways I had never imagined. I felt the Holy Spirit working in me, changing me into someone else. I helped kids grow closer to Christ and blossom spiritually. I had always been the teacher that everyone loved. It was so rewarding to transform that student/teacher relationship into one of a spiritual leader. At a foot washing ceremony on the last night of our mission trip we all prayed and prayed. I really opened myself up to God and let Him use me unconditionally. I could feel Old Adam dying and Christ building up a new better person in me.

We shared many hugs, many tears and truly felt the Spirit move. I knew then I had found my calling. I found a quiet corner and prayed, “This evening is the start of a new life for me. I hold nothing back from you Lord. Every part of me belongs to You. Use me as You will.” I wanted to be just as energized and passionate about Jesus EVERYDAY of my life as I was on mission trips.

This was a moment I will never forget. I sat in the men's dorm room weeping for hours into the night... but I was gitty. I just kept on thinking... so this is what life is about! I had found 'it'. And to think, I had been wasting my efforts on other things... when the whole time, 'it' was right here for free. It was a beautiful letdown when I realized that I had everything backwards. Real joy comes from sharing God's light with others. Before, I taught about great artists like Picasso and Pollock. Now I teach about the greatest artist of all, the one that made the earth and stars and knew me before I was even born.

There is nothing more bittersweet than the moment that you realize that you are a complete idiot and everything you had been living for was wrong. Jon Foreman calls this the beautiful letdown.

Beautiful Letdown
Switchfoot

It was a beautiful let down when I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down the day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in, until I found out I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down when you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down that's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free
We're still chasing our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong, I don't belong here
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah, let my foolish pride forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down, painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here, feels like I don't belong here
Let me down, because I don't belong here
Please, won't you let me down?

In the years since my late night awakening, my paradigm has shifted. I now see this entire life as merely an on-ramp for a much better ride. And the place we are headed hasn't got any of the baggage that we are used to. No sickness, toil or danger. It is just one long interstate. But unfortunately, some people do not realize that they have missed their exit and are headed for the wrong road. Friends, I ask you to take a moment and evaluate where your priorities are set. What are you living for?

---

A year and a half later I have new perspectives. I feel more than ever a longing for the future Kingdom where tears are wiped from my eyes. But I see this world as a place to shine light, to bring heaven here. We are to shine the Light into dark corners here. So it is off into the world with my Lamp on new adventures.

Go with God.

Free Indeed

I woke up this morning and I have never felt more alive. There was a strong breeze blowing and there was something special in the air. It was freedom. I am free, free indeed!

My friend (and mentor) Calla Johnson pointed me towards the accounts of David in the OT. There I found a man that was called by God to do great things. He started out with a bang (see David and Goliath) but this early success brought on the wraith of King Saul who literally hunted him like a dog. There were times that it looked like David would be ran down and killed. But every time he made it. Every time God rescued him. Every time he saw set free. All of these hard times just made him stronger, more ready for the victories ahead.

I smell freedom in the air. That freedom comes from my death with Jesus on the cross. I feel alive. That life comes from His resurrection. I am made new again. I am alive! Just has David did I will place my trust in my Lord and Savior. And even when hunted like a dog I will never give up hope. Jesus is the RESCUE! Jesus is the REDEEMER! With him there is new life, there is a new freedom.

Free indeed.

The Big Table

Some times we learn the easy way. Some times the answers to life's mysteries just fall in our laps like little slips of wisdom in our fortune cookies. But other times life teaches us the big valuable lessons the hard way. We are dragged through the stinky mess like a dog thrust into his own doings.

When I first arrived at my last job there was a little group of people that sat together in the mornings and drank coffee and looked important. There was something about the group that I didn't understant but I wanted to join. Something inside made me want to me 'in'. In time I found out that this table was the self-imposed center of moral authority in this workplace.

Luckily, after five years I worked myself into a chair at that table and for the first time in my life I was popular. We sat at the big table and watched those that passed by and judged them. Every snip of gossip danced through our lips as we decided who was good and who was bad. And the sad thing is... it felt wonderful to be there. I felt so important. I was drunk from the feeling of being 'in'.... of being 'better' than those not in the little group.

But then tides change and sure enough I found myself on the outside looking in... and I knew just as we had talked about everyone else all those time, now they were in there talking about me. They were shaking their heads about what they were sure I was doing or not doing right... And in a bitter moment of realization I knew that I had been very, very wrong. I realized that that drunk feeling was sin. I had been stepping on others to feel better about myself and that is the very opposite of the Gospel. I was very ashamed.

Jesus Christ is about reaching out to others. He never separates himself. He's about being trod upon to save others. He's never about burying another under his boot heel. We are living the Gospel when we are outside... Never when we are inside with our noses raised and casting judgement on everyone who is ''out'.


Jesus said, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Why is it that often times those who see themselves as the most religious are really only the most self-righteous? Why is it that some people boast their faith but are truly only overzealous? What if people spent as must time helping others as they did gossiping about them? What if people who profess to knowing Jesus actually started acting like him? What if all of the 'ins' knew what it felt like to be an 'out'?

Holy Father, forgive me for my sins against my neighbor. I now see the light. -Amen