Why

Why do we get so busy? Why do our calendars fill up and our lives become cluttered with unimportant things to do? Slowly we lose time to blog, lose reason to write, lose time to read and even faith to pray...

Little mundane things block our lives. We run here and there doing our unimportant business and we lose sight of the fact that God made us to worship Him. We are not ants just made to toil and carry the burdens all day long. We are thinking, creative beings meant to sing praises and write poems and lay prone on the earth and shout to the Lord that He is wonderful and that we love Him.

I have been far too busy. I need to cut the strings that are holding me back. I need to make the time. I need to clean the slate. I need to find the priority of Jesus... and anything in my way must be lost. Anything standing between me and my Savior must be let slip into the ether... No looking back. There are other worlds than this.

Lord... I am seeking Your Face.
AMEN

What's this life for?

"That's what I'm really good at." she said.

Last night I had an experience. It was amazing. It was one of those times where you feel the Spirit working on the room like a knot untying. I opened my mouth and spoke from the heart... what I barely recall. I felt something was about to happen. And when it did it touched my heart deeply. I see my purpose in life. I know it down to my core. Sharing my experience with a friend, she reinforced that its my calling... and expressed how, like quicksand, its easy to slip away from the Path of the Beam and struggle to find your way back.

I want a new profession. I want to be a lifeguard. But I don't want to save a life for a year or two or ten. I want to offer a chance at eternity. Leading others to the cross is amazing. Its better than anything else in the world.

I am still puzzled, dumb struck that the same god that painted that amazing sky this afternoon, the same creator that drew that rainbow in the sky, is the same GOD that loves me and calls to me by name. AWESOME! It makes one feel so special.

I have wasted a lot of time, spinning wheels and collecting stuff. Stuff is meaningless. Stuff turns to dust. Things the world values rusts. But I know a place where treasure lasts for eternity.

We were meant to live for so much more than this dusty old world has to offer. We were meant to amazing adventures that lead others to the Kingdom.

Join me. Let's shine for HIM.

Birthday

Thanks everyone for making this birthday special. Its been a hard one for me. It is my first birthday alone. The cookies and cards and birthday texts and facebook messages all made me feel important. Really.

Pray for me. I am going through some changes. I am very unsure of myself. I have seen the Lord working through me... but I also feel the enemy lurking. He always fights us when we are doing good work for the Kingdom. So pray for strength and wisdom. I need it.

Lord, protect me from flaming arrows.... AMEN!

falling in love

Want to know what I really want to do? I want to fall in love with God again. I want to yearn for Him like a lover misses his lady's face. I want sweet words of praise and adoration to drip from my lips like romeo wooing Juliet. I want the songs I write to burn with passion for the Creator of the heavens and the earth. I want my life to be a big giant pulsing heart the pound love for God.

I am to ache for Him when I stray. I want Him to wrap me in His arms and fill me up. I want His approval to mean the everything to me. I want to disappear into a sea of Him forever. I want to sail in the great Mysteries of His Word. I want to seek His Truth. I want to be a beacon for His Light. I want to reflect him.

I am the Moon and HE is the Sun. I am nothing but a dull, dead rock with out His light. I am cold. I am barren. I am nothing. I want to be illuminated by His Power.

LORD JESUS, FILL ME UP! LET ME FALL IN LOVE AGAIN WITH YOU EACH DAY! A GOD LIKE YOU IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND.

something big

I had a teenage freshman tell me today, "Something big is about to happen. I can feel it. I don't know what it is but be ready."

I have to agree. I can feel it building too. Something is unfolding like a butterfly out of its cocoon, preparing to flap its wings for the first time. I don't have any clue what it is but I think we all better prepare to see God's glory unfold.

It happens from time to time, the Spirit moves, lives change, clay is shaped into wonderful works of art. You had best get ready for something awesome... Because its building. You can almost touch it.

Lord, BRING IT! Amen

Awakening

I was driving into school rocking out Switchfoot's Awakening. I haven't listened to the San Diego boys much lately. I have been running from the feelings I feel when I hear them.

But after last night's AMAZING service and all that the Lord has done to me and through me (despite my continued feet dragging and self-doubt) I knew it was time to get that old feeling back.

Rocking out to the song brought back old memories... old feelings of a time when being in the Spirit was not unusual. Lately I have been in the desert. Drinks of Water have been rare and live saving. But once every moment of the day was a reason to praise, an excuse to worship, a moment to raise you hands, lower your guard and just thank Him for His grace and mercy.

Then it hit me, like a giant fly swatter upon me, during the drilling, pounding, thundering drums of the bridge of that Switchfoot song. And clearly I heard a voice say to me, "Pound the drum, make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth."

And I was washed in the Spirit and just worshiped Him with words over flowing and my hands raised.

When I came to, I was driving 75 down the little highway between Grinnell and New Sharon and the song was over. Tears ran down my face. What does this mean? I do not fully know. But it was a gift.

Lord, wash me every day! AMEN

Thirsty Thursday

I keep hearing people talk about thirty Thursday. They seem to have added an extra day to the weekend. Hey, that's cool. I am all for having fun. But, friends, I have discovered my own event to attend on Thursday's night. And yes, I it makes me thirst.

I have been attending a pretty darn amazing service put on by some college kids. They have good lights and loud music and the Living Word of God. There is praying and an alter and healing and tears. It reminds me of a little group back in western Iowa that used to try the same thing. What else do I see? I see changed lives. And that is what the Good News is really about... Changing lives.

Lord I want more of YOU. Living Water rain down on me
Lord I need more of YOU. Living Breath of Life come fill me up

We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you
We are thirsty Oh Jesus! We are thirsty for more of You


I am thirsty. I am thirsty for the awesome power of Jesus!

Bible Study

So I was on my way out of school today and I passed the little kids at Good News Club in the elementary lunch room. They were learning about a Bible story. As I heard the man reading the Word, something inside me jumped. I know that feeling. I miss it. I want to feel it again.

Back in the day I ran an ecumenical Bible study on Thursday mornings at my old school. I loved it because it was a real way to show our faith in the school, and it was awesome because it PUSHED me so hard to have to find something to teach every week. God always provided something. It took prayer, trust and a lot of reading on my own to always have something for them to see. But God was there helping every step of the way.

Yeah, I miss that feeling. I think He's urging me back towards teaching the Word. I know its my gift and the pain and empty I feel is probably directly tied to the fact that I am not using that gift right now. So perhaps its time to start praying for the opportunity to lead a Bible study again. God willing... I think I may be ready to do it again.

Pray for me, please. Its been a hard time in my life. It's like I'm finding my way again. But I have so much doubt!

This is Your Life

What do you want out of life?
What drives you?
What are you living for?
If you made a list of priorities in your life, what would be at the top?

I had an art project for my freshmen recently where they made a list of the three most important things in their lives and then made artwork about them. I had a lot of students write down things like-

My Friends
My Cellphone
God

That is very telling. And I am not saying that its good or bad... Just honest. Are your friends important to you? Are you sharing your faith with them? Are you sharing that you once were lost but now you feel alive because of a living God has come into your life?

Is your cellphone important? I know mine is to me. Is it the conduit for good or bad? When was the last time you texted anyone words of encouragement? When was the last time you prayed over the phone with someone?

And is God really important to you? Do you wake up and scream that you want to live for Him? Is He the driving force in your life? Or is He a distant God that you don't want to anger? Are you living in fear or living in Jesus? This is your life... What are you living for?

Now I am an artist and everything in the end comes back to art for me. This life should be a work of art for Jesus. How will be display in glory through our lives today?
Don't me ordinary. Make each day EXTRAORDINARY.

Oh God! A new song in A minor

Oh God, oh God. I need you now.
Oh God, Oh God. Hear me some how.
I lay here... and I stretch out my hands
Nothing else will satisfy this brokenness but YOU.

Oh God, Oh God, Hear my moan,
Deep inside, my spirit groans,
Everywhere I've search for answers but they leave me blind,
Oh God, Oh God... Free me this time.


You kept my eyes open, When I was too down to speak,
You lifted me up, when my spirit was weak.
Oh God, Oh God, can you still hear me now?
Oh God, Oh God, rescue me somehow.

Psalm 77

I emailed one of the strong motherly figures in my life, one that I haven't spoken to in about a year, since I moved back to God's country. She was so kind and so supportive. She offered me a Bible verse to read and I am going to post it here for you all to read too. Perhaps one of my readers will be in a place where the words give them comfort as well.

Perhaps the words will inform my inner voice, which has been rather quiet of late. I am writing music again, and while I have some cool licks and melodies, words of praise and worship aren't readily dripping from my tongue. I think deep inside I am waiting for something, some kind of catalyst to trigger the opening of some hidden door, then the words will flow again.

So I read and reflect on the words of Psalm 77. May they calm the storm in me and perhaps inspire my inner Bollman to sing again new songs of His love, healing and mercy.

Psalm 77

For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Turn-ons

I was asked the other day what I wanted in a partner. I have thought this over a long, long time and I am ready to announce my list.

Most important quality- She has to be a hardcore Jesus chick! She needs to be able to pray with power and authority and have no fear sharing her testimonial. Cool Christian tatts are also a big big turn on for me.

2- She needs to have a servant heart, ready to give to others, willing to serve and never afraid to get into down and dirty mission work. Those who really know me get this.

3- She needs to love me like a house on fire. She needs to believe in me and help chase the doubt away.

4- She needs to have a beautiful mind with a hunger to learn more. No part of a woman is more intriguing that a stimulating mind.

All other parts are just frosting. Sure I like a beautiful lady at my side... but long term, I want to be with that Jesus-Chick that is willing to push me to be all I can be.

not enough

I want more.
A little is not enough.
I want to delve deeper, to strive farther.

I am not content with standing on the corner of something amazing.
I want to dive in.
I don't want the crumbs... I am not even satisfied with devouring the meat. I want to suck the marrow from the bone.

A little is not enough anymore. I need more of You.

Psalm 63
A David Psalm, When He Was out in the Judean Wilderness

1 God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.

2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

I Come now Spirit! I am ready. Amen

In the Secret

Back were I belong

I am going to be real real... I have really missed my friends from the old band days. My friendships, especially with Cody and Chris were such a great source of joy in my life and I haven't filled the gap left in my heart.

What a gift it is to laugh. What a joy it is to relax and tell stupid stories. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by Christian friends that love you unconditionally. We made music, we tossed a frisbee, we played ping pong, we went to movies, an occational haunted house, we made burger king runs in our smelly old van and we praised the Lord together. It was a great time.

I am still friends with Chris and we text often, share music and books and such... But I miss having that face to face with strong believers that can reassure me that I can be a goofball, love Star Wars and Monty Python and still rock hard for Jesus.

Lately I started praying for Christian friends... And it is very funny, you know, its like you get what you ask for sometimes.

Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Matt 7:7

It seems I am falling into a group of strong believers very similar to my old clutch. Now I will never replace Chris. But Its so good to know that I might have found friends that would want to go play lazer tag, or mosh at concert, or catch the newest sci-fi flick with me... I am not the only geek on this island after all.

Thank you God. I should have asked ages ago. AMEN

Run Forrest Run!

I had a close in counter with God on Sunday.

I went to church- that's right! Big step for me. I went knowing I needed something... not knowing what to expect. But as with His awesome Grace, He gave me what I needed.

I went forward and an elder, deacon-type came and laid his hand on me. He started praying for me and I felt the Spirit wash over me. I had a clear vision appear in my mind, there I was, barely able to walk. I was bound by leg braces like the young Forrest Gump.

He told me, "You know what those braces are? They are chains holding you back... They are just your FEARS... your PAIN... your DOUBTS... They are Satan's trick... and he has no hold over you, child of God, heir to the Promise."

I saw myself running right out of those bounds like Forrest Gump when Jenny yelled, "RUN FOREST RUN!"

And that is it! I didn't have to leave bound by fear. I could run out whenever I was ready. I could run out free! Free in DEED! I could run out and be that soldier for Jesus.

I didn't leave until I was completely free.

songs to myself

I have started playing the old songs again, the ones from the bands days.

Somehow they all seem written from the four years ago me to the right now me. Its like I made a blueprint on how to run back to the arms of the Savior. And I recorded the blissful feeling and intrinsic joy that service gave me.

Now I'm beginning to feel the tug at my heart to use my gift again. Maybe its time I returned to teaching. The music and the jumping and the screaming were all just a gimmick to get kids to listen. What was really important was sharing the Light.

But where? Where do I go to start teaching kids again. Do I just use my life as a vessel? That's really really scary. But God does take us to radical places. He uses us to spread the Word with acts of real attrition and self-sacrifice. I have been the radical, on-fire Jesus Freak before.

I feel myself being pulled back into that vortex of bliss, and joy and danger. Its time I join a church. GULP... back into the saddle. Back down the path of the beam. Back into the service of the King.

Who's with me?

Yo-yo

Lately I have felt like a yo-yo. I have been so up and down. Then about two weeks ago I felt like I runs running thin, loosing momentum and hitting the bottom of my strong, emotionally limp, just hanging there.

I have looked many places for answers. I have looked to my own inner discipline, doubling my work-outs, grinding through hip and back pain, adding weight, pushing my number of push-ups up and up. It still feel empty.

I have looked to my dear, dear friend who I love with all my heart. I have wanted her to fill this gap inside me. But the more I push the further away she seems. We still love each other but we both have things eating at us... and my stubborn resolve to force things together wont work. Love has to be easy and free- not rammed into place with a crow bar.

I have looked for professional satisfaction, trying harder and harder to be as good a teacher as I can be. And while it is great to see kids learning... my insides are still aching.

I have tried to pour my soul into my music... and there I am getting closer. There I am reaching for a goal. Getting closer to the prize.

I have a few students that are witnessing to me right now. They are speaking to me about how Christ is working in their hearts. Sometimes I talk back. Sometimes I share my experiences. Sometimes I let slip through the cracks in my fingers the light that I squeeze so tight in the palms of my clutched hands. That's when I feel good. That is when I feel alive.

When I yell at my friend, she gets hurt. She runs aways. When I pray for her, we share sweet, sweet conversations.

When I read the Bible, I feel focused.

When I go to church I feel alive.

When I play the old songs... oh the old songs... I am Brant Bollman again. I am not a yo-yo. I am whole.

I need more of HIM and less of all the noise in my life. I need to lean MORE on Him and less on my own anger and stubborn will. I need to let go. I need to let the light shine.

Its scary. Its so so scary. But its better than going up and down.