Turn-ons

I was asked the other day what I wanted in a partner. I have thought this over a long, long time and I am ready to announce my list.

Most important quality- She has to be a hardcore Jesus chick! She needs to be able to pray with power and authority and have no fear sharing her testimonial. Cool Christian tatts are also a big big turn on for me.

2- She needs to have a servant heart, ready to give to others, willing to serve and never afraid to get into down and dirty mission work. Those who really know me get this.

3- She needs to love me like a house on fire. She needs to believe in me and help chase the doubt away.

4- She needs to have a beautiful mind with a hunger to learn more. No part of a woman is more intriguing that a stimulating mind.

All other parts are just frosting. Sure I like a beautiful lady at my side... but long term, I want to be with that Jesus-Chick that is willing to push me to be all I can be.

not enough

I want more.
A little is not enough.
I want to delve deeper, to strive farther.

I am not content with standing on the corner of something amazing.
I want to dive in.
I don't want the crumbs... I am not even satisfied with devouring the meat. I want to suck the marrow from the bone.

A little is not enough anymore. I need more of You.

Psalm 63
A David Psalm, When He Was out in the Judean Wilderness

1 God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.

2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

I Come now Spirit! I am ready. Amen

In the Secret

Back were I belong

I am going to be real real... I have really missed my friends from the old band days. My friendships, especially with Cody and Chris were such a great source of joy in my life and I haven't filled the gap left in my heart.

What a gift it is to laugh. What a joy it is to relax and tell stupid stories. What a blessing it is to be surrounded by Christian friends that love you unconditionally. We made music, we tossed a frisbee, we played ping pong, we went to movies, an occational haunted house, we made burger king runs in our smelly old van and we praised the Lord together. It was a great time.

I am still friends with Chris and we text often, share music and books and such... But I miss having that face to face with strong believers that can reassure me that I can be a goofball, love Star Wars and Monty Python and still rock hard for Jesus.

Lately I started praying for Christian friends... And it is very funny, you know, its like you get what you ask for sometimes.

Ask and it shall be given unto you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened unto you. Matt 7:7

It seems I am falling into a group of strong believers very similar to my old clutch. Now I will never replace Chris. But Its so good to know that I might have found friends that would want to go play lazer tag, or mosh at concert, or catch the newest sci-fi flick with me... I am not the only geek on this island after all.

Thank you God. I should have asked ages ago. AMEN

Run Forrest Run!

I had a close in counter with God on Sunday.

I went to church- that's right! Big step for me. I went knowing I needed something... not knowing what to expect. But as with His awesome Grace, He gave me what I needed.

I went forward and an elder, deacon-type came and laid his hand on me. He started praying for me and I felt the Spirit wash over me. I had a clear vision appear in my mind, there I was, barely able to walk. I was bound by leg braces like the young Forrest Gump.

He told me, "You know what those braces are? They are chains holding you back... They are just your FEARS... your PAIN... your DOUBTS... They are Satan's trick... and he has no hold over you, child of God, heir to the Promise."

I saw myself running right out of those bounds like Forrest Gump when Jenny yelled, "RUN FOREST RUN!"

And that is it! I didn't have to leave bound by fear. I could run out whenever I was ready. I could run out free! Free in DEED! I could run out and be that soldier for Jesus.

I didn't leave until I was completely free.

songs to myself

I have started playing the old songs again, the ones from the bands days.

Somehow they all seem written from the four years ago me to the right now me. Its like I made a blueprint on how to run back to the arms of the Savior. And I recorded the blissful feeling and intrinsic joy that service gave me.

Now I'm beginning to feel the tug at my heart to use my gift again. Maybe its time I returned to teaching. The music and the jumping and the screaming were all just a gimmick to get kids to listen. What was really important was sharing the Light.

But where? Where do I go to start teaching kids again. Do I just use my life as a vessel? That's really really scary. But God does take us to radical places. He uses us to spread the Word with acts of real attrition and self-sacrifice. I have been the radical, on-fire Jesus Freak before.

I feel myself being pulled back into that vortex of bliss, and joy and danger. Its time I join a church. GULP... back into the saddle. Back down the path of the beam. Back into the service of the King.

Who's with me?

Yo-yo

Lately I have felt like a yo-yo. I have been so up and down. Then about two weeks ago I felt like I runs running thin, loosing momentum and hitting the bottom of my strong, emotionally limp, just hanging there.

I have looked many places for answers. I have looked to my own inner discipline, doubling my work-outs, grinding through hip and back pain, adding weight, pushing my number of push-ups up and up. It still feel empty.

I have looked to my dear, dear friend who I love with all my heart. I have wanted her to fill this gap inside me. But the more I push the further away she seems. We still love each other but we both have things eating at us... and my stubborn resolve to force things together wont work. Love has to be easy and free- not rammed into place with a crow bar.

I have looked for professional satisfaction, trying harder and harder to be as good a teacher as I can be. And while it is great to see kids learning... my insides are still aching.

I have tried to pour my soul into my music... and there I am getting closer. There I am reaching for a goal. Getting closer to the prize.

I have a few students that are witnessing to me right now. They are speaking to me about how Christ is working in their hearts. Sometimes I talk back. Sometimes I share my experiences. Sometimes I let slip through the cracks in my fingers the light that I squeeze so tight in the palms of my clutched hands. That's when I feel good. That is when I feel alive.

When I yell at my friend, she gets hurt. She runs aways. When I pray for her, we share sweet, sweet conversations.

When I read the Bible, I feel focused.

When I go to church I feel alive.

When I play the old songs... oh the old songs... I am Brant Bollman again. I am not a yo-yo. I am whole.

I need more of HIM and less of all the noise in my life. I need to lean MORE on Him and less on my own anger and stubborn will. I need to let go. I need to let the light shine.

Its scary. Its so so scary. But its better than going up and down.

Father

My most import job that I have right now is being that best father that I can be. I was reminded of that this weekend. All other things come second.

I want my kids healthy and happy.

WOW!

Its been a long and crazy week. I feel under attack. Pray for me.

Lord, be my strength and my shield! I can do all things through you! AMEN!

Pole

We met at the pole this morning. Just a few in numbers but strong in faith.

We met at the pole to pray for our nation, our town and our school.

We met at the pole and locked hands and prayed.

I prayed... I need YOUR voice in my heart.

WE need YOUR voice in our halls.

We need your LOVE in our LIVES.

We met at the pole... what happens next?

Humpty

I used to think my heart was like Humpty Dumpty. It was broken and nothing could piece it back together again.

Now I am beginning to see that it is broken... True! But it can be like a mosaic. Broken, sure, but given to the right Artist it can be worked back together into something better than it ever was.

I am writing a new song...

Beautifully Broken, Wonderfully Saved

Homecoming

I just found out that there won't be church on Thursday night because of my school's Homecoming coronation. WOW!! What a letdown. I am really burning for church and fellowship and Word and worship and praise. I don't want to skip a week for a popularity contest...

Let me tell you something... the only KING is Jesus Christ. and the only Homecoming that matters is His!!

Not the Point

I had a strange experience the other day. An old friend sent me a rather nasty message through a social network. He was concerned that I wasn't living a virtuous life and that I had fallen away from my faith. It was quite judgmental and condescending.

His heart, I believe, was in the right place. And believe me, I have been running from the Lord a lot lately. I have turned off my creative juices and tucked up into a ball like an armadillo to protect myself from old wounds. And that hasn't worked for me at all. I just find myself cold, lonely and separated from that warming Spirit that gives me a greater purpose than getting up to turn off the alarm clock every morning. But this person 's message did not pull me through. It just made me mad.

It's funny. If you are truly concerned about a brother or sister, what you should do is reach out to them. Ask them, "Hey man... how ya doing?" or "Is everything cool with you?"

It's a very Christ-like thing to reach out to someone who is struggling. And He reached out and offered hope. He gave the light. He offered healing, love and redemption. That is best done with an open hand and kind heart.

I am working at this relationship with Christ. I am laying down some old pain and getting back into the world as a missionary for Him right where I am. I will have my ups and downs. I will fail at times but I am back and I am following Him.

I look around my life and I see many people that seem shut off and in pain. I see friends that were once very close to the Lord who have fallen away also. Part of this new quest is to reach out to them. I strive to show them love, kindness and caring. May that be the light that leads them to back to Jesus.

Obsessions

Back in high school we were assigned to read Melville's epic story Moby Dick in English class. It turns out that I never had time to do so. I was too busy combing my hair or whatever I used to do back then. But thanks to an episode of the equally classic 90's Saturday morning cartoon, Bettlejuice, entitled Moby Richard, I was able to pass the test over the story. No problem!

Later in life, now that I have developed a slower pace and a deeper appreciation for stories without spaceships and laser guns, I have enjoyed going back and rereading those stories that I blew through in a hurry... and finally visit those I never even touched at all. It has been quite the learning experience.

"All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it."
- Moby Dick, Herman Melville

And so our hearts do become cold and wicked. We pick an obsession and we chase it to the end. We go down with the ship, blind and oblivious to the ramifications of our madness. Often times in life I have pressed the accelerator to the floor in my own name. I have let curses spill from my lips and have have cared not for what I ran asunder on my quest.

That is not God. Christ wants us to be poured out as a sacrifice... not to plummet to a self-centered doom. It is the tale of man from Adam on down. We see it in David and his affair with Bathsheba. We see it over and over. When do we stop the hunt? When do we yield? When do we let our made-up white whales slip beneath the sea and allow vengeance to escape through our fingers like sand?

When do we trust in Him?

Through the Fog

I was driving into work this morning. I rounded a bend and I drove into a bank of fog. It was so thick, like a soup. I was lost in gray, hazy nothingness. It was terrifying. I lost all my bearings.

I caught my breath, looked around, and the only thing I could find in all the fog was the sun. It tore through the thickness with a burning orange light. There was the sun... and then there was the wall of this world that I was lost in. I focused, relaxed and drove through the mist safely back down the roadway to work.

Now, on the other side of the wall of fog, I am left thinking about the larger metaphor and where I am now in my life... and my walk... if you can really call it a walk at all... with my Savior. I am left searching through this fog... and the only thing that matters is the SON.

--- Not my cool new shoes.
--- Not my brand new cellphone.
--- Not my shirt from the buckle.
--- Not my weight loss or how much bigger my arms are...

Those things haven't brought me out of my fog. They only have left me searching. I need the sun... I need the SON burning orange hot through my fog.

So... I do not walk back tonight. I RUN BACK. I am the prodigal. I see Him and I will beg to but be as a servant feeding the swine. Tonight I run back through the fog.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship and its all about you... all about you Jesus!

We buildt ourselves a pillar but we used it as a crutch

I have been traveling through a dry time spiritually for almost a year now. I have been inside myself... mulling over things like a wine taster savors a bit of wine in his or her acute mouth. For a long time I had no voice like a sick person has laryngitis. But slowly that internal itch has started to revive in my mind. The voice is starting to come back. I am wanting to write again, sing again, speak of Jesus again. One thing comes to mind... One obstacle that I have seen in others and my own walk (my own stumbles and my own falls as well).

I believe that we often find things in life that we think are pillars, strong stone things that we choose to build with. We set out to support our lives, our mission, our ministry upon these pillars. But we are weak men. Too often we take a pillar and turn it into a crutch... we become so dependent on them that our mission and our ministry becomes feeding that act, or being important enough, right enough, or righteous enough... we lose sight of what was important in the first place.

It's like the foolish scribes that memorize the Bible but never take a moment to understand, never let the Spirit reveal the deep Truth that is the WORD of God. They go to build a temple based on the Word but in the end only worship the words. Or people that spend so much time focused on shepherding their flocks that they become councilors and not holy men.

What can I say about this? I have been guilty of the trappings of the crutch syndrome. I believed myself to be the savior of a group of kids... and really I was just a vessel. My intentions were noble in the beginning but I let my ego get so out of hand that I lost touch with what matters in the big picture. In the end I guess we just have to strip down everything, wander into those dry times, and come back to the root of what matters...

THE BLOOD OF CHRIST!

At His feet I regain my right perspective- focused on HIM... at HIS CROSS I am face down and asking forgiveness. Let everything else melt away. In the end there is only Jesus. HE is all we need.

I think I am ready to write again...

I think its time I start penning these little ramblings again. I don't know if anyone will read them anymore... but that might not be the point. Maybe I just have some things to tell myself.

Stay tuned.

Hope vs. Hate

I fell asleep last night listening to the Hawkeyes play the Badgers of Wisconsin on WHO Radio 1040 out of Des Moines. When I woke up, the radio was still on. A radio preacherman was giving a sermon and I was very intrigued by his message. He was speaking about how the devil tempts us and tries to silence the Gospel. This is a topic dear to my heart. As a fan of C.S. Lewis and The Screwtape Letters I rolled over towards the radio and listened intently.

What I heard was a long rant on witches in our churches, boogiemen behind the doors and that one driving factor should bring us closer to our Savior... FEAR!!! Fear of everything.

After about fifteen minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I turned the channel to Iowa Public Radio. There I heard stories that inspired. Stories that shared the amazing glory of the Lord. They made me want to jump up and down and run out into the street and share a testimony of His power. There was a story of stained glass windows in the Bethlehem Cathedral in Washington D.C. and how their kaleidoscopic light shines in the dark worship hall as a metaphor of how Christ's Light shined into our darkened world as in the first chapter of the Gospel of John. Next folk music icon Emmylou Harris sang a song called 'The Pearl' which brought me to tears. It was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Her haunting voice called through the radio like a ghost. These and the stories that followed shined a bright spotlight on God's awesome power and how only He can pull us up.

I thought about how glad I am that I was a Lutheran. I am free of fear. I can ever live in that freedom that Mike Williams used to preach on... A freedom in Christ to stop worrying and start reaching out to others in Christian Love. Light calls me to Christ... not fear of the dark.

The Gospel is filled with the message of LOVE and rescue. 90 percent of it is about love. The other 10 percent may warn us of how we falter and trip up but why would a ministry set out to inspire the masses with a doom and gloom. Christ wants us to reach out and spread love and life. He wants us to be the Light of the world... and how we do that is to show the AWESOME HEALING POWER OF HIS TRUTH AND HIS LOVE.

I am glad that I am free to live a life that FREE in Christ. WHO SHALL I FEAR??? Nothing can stand in the way of me and my Jesus... Not angels or demons or men or boogiemonsters. NOTHING.

Life Lessons by Brant Bollman

Lesson- Always brush your teeth with the lights on.

Reason- Vitamin A and D Ointment makes a very poor toothpaste!

Hey friends

Sorry I have been absent. Getting settled into a new school is really crazy. I have so much work to do right now its dizzying. Yearbook is a challenge and setting up a new course is kicking my butt time-wise. But I like my new school and have met some good friends.

I made this site private for a while. I may lift that sometime but I had a lot of high school students looking at my tattoos and stuff and that's not the point at all. If they want to see my tatts that can follow me to the pool or something. I guess I should look at the bright side, I'm kinda like a celebrity.

Personally, life is kind of crazy. Mary is looking to move again closer to Ottumwa to save on gas. This means that the kids will be farther way from me and overnights during the week will be much harder. But we are working things out. We will have more secure daycare and that's good.

Chris, Eric, Amanda and I went to a hawk game two weeks back. It was a great time. I will not mention what transpired this past Saturday. I am still in denial.

Pray for me... I am still walking the rocky road.

Grace and peace,

Brant

PS- I have a poem coming soon. Stay tuned.