We buildt ourselves a pillar but we used it as a crutch

I have been traveling through a dry time spiritually for almost a year now. I have been inside myself... mulling over things like a wine taster savors a bit of wine in his or her acute mouth. For a long time I had no voice like a sick person has laryngitis. But slowly that internal itch has started to revive in my mind. The voice is starting to come back. I am wanting to write again, sing again, speak of Jesus again. One thing comes to mind... One obstacle that I have seen in others and my own walk (my own stumbles and my own falls as well).

I believe that we often find things in life that we think are pillars, strong stone things that we choose to build with. We set out to support our lives, our mission, our ministry upon these pillars. But we are weak men. Too often we take a pillar and turn it into a crutch... we become so dependent on them that our mission and our ministry becomes feeding that act, or being important enough, right enough, or righteous enough... we lose sight of what was important in the first place.

It's like the foolish scribes that memorize the Bible but never take a moment to understand, never let the Spirit reveal the deep Truth that is the WORD of God. They go to build a temple based on the Word but in the end only worship the words. Or people that spend so much time focused on shepherding their flocks that they become councilors and not holy men.

What can I say about this? I have been guilty of the trappings of the crutch syndrome. I believed myself to be the savior of a group of kids... and really I was just a vessel. My intentions were noble in the beginning but I let my ego get so out of hand that I lost touch with what matters in the big picture. In the end I guess we just have to strip down everything, wander into those dry times, and come back to the root of what matters...

THE BLOOD OF CHRIST!

At His feet I regain my right perspective- focused on HIM... at HIS CROSS I am face down and asking forgiveness. Let everything else melt away. In the end there is only Jesus. HE is all we need.

I think I am ready to write again...

I think its time I start penning these little ramblings again. I don't know if anyone will read them anymore... but that might not be the point. Maybe I just have some things to tell myself.

Stay tuned.

Hope vs. Hate

I fell asleep last night listening to the Hawkeyes play the Badgers of Wisconsin on WHO Radio 1040 out of Des Moines. When I woke up, the radio was still on. A radio preacherman was giving a sermon and I was very intrigued by his message. He was speaking about how the devil tempts us and tries to silence the Gospel. This is a topic dear to my heart. As a fan of C.S. Lewis and The Screwtape Letters I rolled over towards the radio and listened intently.

What I heard was a long rant on witches in our churches, boogiemen behind the doors and that one driving factor should bring us closer to our Savior... FEAR!!! Fear of everything.

After about fifteen minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I turned the channel to Iowa Public Radio. There I heard stories that inspired. Stories that shared the amazing glory of the Lord. They made me want to jump up and down and run out into the street and share a testimony of His power. There was a story of stained glass windows in the Bethlehem Cathedral in Washington D.C. and how their kaleidoscopic light shines in the dark worship hall as a metaphor of how Christ's Light shined into our darkened world as in the first chapter of the Gospel of John. Next folk music icon Emmylou Harris sang a song called 'The Pearl' which brought me to tears. It was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Her haunting voice called through the radio like a ghost. These and the stories that followed shined a bright spotlight on God's awesome power and how only He can pull us up.

I thought about how glad I am that I was a Lutheran. I am free of fear. I can ever live in that freedom that Mike Williams used to preach on... A freedom in Christ to stop worrying and start reaching out to others in Christian Love. Light calls me to Christ... not fear of the dark.

The Gospel is filled with the message of LOVE and rescue. 90 percent of it is about love. The other 10 percent may warn us of how we falter and trip up but why would a ministry set out to inspire the masses with a doom and gloom. Christ wants us to reach out and spread love and life. He wants us to be the Light of the world... and how we do that is to show the AWESOME HEALING POWER OF HIS TRUTH AND HIS LOVE.

I am glad that I am free to live a life that FREE in Christ. WHO SHALL I FEAR??? Nothing can stand in the way of me and my Jesus... Not angels or demons or men or boogiemonsters. NOTHING.

Life Lessons by Brant Bollman

Lesson- Always brush your teeth with the lights on.

Reason- Vitamin A and D Ointment makes a very poor toothpaste!

Hey friends

Sorry I have been absent. Getting settled into a new school is really crazy. I have so much work to do right now its dizzying. Yearbook is a challenge and setting up a new course is kicking my butt time-wise. But I like my new school and have met some good friends.

I made this site private for a while. I may lift that sometime but I had a lot of high school students looking at my tattoos and stuff and that's not the point at all. If they want to see my tatts that can follow me to the pool or something. I guess I should look at the bright side, I'm kinda like a celebrity.

Personally, life is kind of crazy. Mary is looking to move again closer to Ottumwa to save on gas. This means that the kids will be farther way from me and overnights during the week will be much harder. But we are working things out. We will have more secure daycare and that's good.

Chris, Eric, Amanda and I went to a hawk game two weeks back. It was a great time. I will not mention what transpired this past Saturday. I am still in denial.

Pray for me... I am still walking the rocky road.

Grace and peace,

Brant

PS- I have a poem coming soon. Stay tuned.

God is Bigger

I have discovered one of the great parts of being a parent is teaching your children to rely on God when the world's trials arise. Recently my son has had a lot of bad dreams. He started to not what to sleep in his room anymore. I used this opportunity to talk about GOD.

"We don't have have to be afraid, buddy. Because God loves us. He made us and He's watching over us. And He is bigger than the monsters in our dreams."

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.


The next day we went down to the public library and checked out Where is God When I am Sc-scared, A Veggie Tales video. Addy watched it four times. It perfectly matched what I had said and addressed this problems. We continued the dialog about God and our fears through that entire day. When night came Adison went straight to bed with no problems. I watched by to check on him and I found him curled up with his stuffed puppy dog singing, "God is bigger than the boogie man. He's bigger than Godzilla or the Monsters on tv. Oh God is bigger than the boogie man and He's watching out for you and me!"

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

If funny. We all can learn from Bob the tomato and Larry the Cucumber on this. God isn't just bigger than the problems we imagine. He's bigger than the real struggles we face everyday in our real life. Give your fears to God and He's carry you through.

Let it shine, let it shine let it shine!!!!

I was taken to task last Sunday. I was sitting in the back of a church in my new home town. I came because of a promise I made Britta in the middle of the night. I was gonna stop letting disillusionment get in my way. I was heading back. I was getting back into the Word, I was gonna start playing my guitar again. I was gonna stop telling the Spirit that my heart is just too hurt for Him to work in me right now. I was going to finally let it go.

It was a fine service with a good message but the entire time I keep having this line of scripture run through my mind. I tried to ignore it but it wouldn't go away.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:14-16

After about thirty minutes of this I figured I'd better pay attention. So I prayed, "OK, Jesus... what are you trying to tell me?" And to this I felt the Spirit fall harder than I have since West Virginia. It was like a thunder clap. It's time, He whispered. It's time to shine your light. Or else you are going to smother it.

So It's time for me to start sharing my light again. It's time. I don't know what I'll be called to do, be it music, ministry, service... or just standing on the corner and waving like that old crazy guy used to do in Ottumwa out by KFC. But I'm not hiding it any more. I'm gonna let it shine!

Witch Hunt

Ever been part of a witch hunt? I unfortunately can say I have. As I have said before their was a pursuit of judgment, never justice. And unfortunately, that experience has left me very disillusioned with the entire process. I just keep playing this scene from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail over and over again.



The church, despite whatever twisted logic we force onto it, was never meant to scorn, cast out and punish those that are different. Christ came to save, heal, restore. Christ went to the rejected, the cast out, the fallen.

The Calling of Matthew
As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:9-13

Just as doctors do not treat the physically fit, Jesus did not come to create an elitist clutch of like-minded, pressed collared snobs. He came to save everyone. Jesus came in love, and loved us so much that He gave Himself in love on a cross so that we might enter into death and ever-lasting life with him.

Jesus called on us to help others, love our neighbors and spread the GOOD NEWS. That is out calling. We aren't to beat the hedges looking for phantom witches and make-believe boogie monsters when our lives start to go off track. That does unite the crowd, yes... but in who's name?

Christ stopped the crowed on the witch hunt. He stopped rebuked them... and He saved Her life.

SICK CYCLE CAROUSEL

I have talked with Aldger not longer a go. We shared of the same mistake. We both follow a God so big and so mighty... but we both try buiding something here with our own hands that might impress God. We both forget that God can do things so much more awesome than our two hands.

Sick Cycle Carousel
Lifehouse

if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes
would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
well here we go now one more time




I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this

so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this sick cycle carousel

We learn the lesson. We take Him in. He changes our life but still, the promise of paradise is so hard to believe... that we don't have to do anything to earn this gift. We aren't doing the work.. we are just giving up control to Him so that He can take over and do amazing things through us.

I am back off the carousel and on my knees again.

Everybody hurts

Some people I know blame all sin on Adam and Eve. They make it sound
like that they suffer just because Adam and Eve fell in the garden. They make it sound like that if not for this curse placed upon them they would have never sinned. I feel this is missing the point and missing something very important about sin.

The very nature of being human is that we fall. We all do. We try and try but on our own we never make it. Everybody is bitten by sin. Everyone is effected. Sin is like a virus in this world. We all suffer. We all hurt. All of our lives are bitten by sin.



Sin is an opportunity to heal. Doctors on the battlefield do not skip over the injured to give vaccines to the healthy. No! They chase down the fallen, the bleeding, the dieing. That is how Jesus was. He searched out the leaper, he hunted for the blind, the crippled, even the DEAD!
He touched them and He said, "You are forgiven. You have been restored!"

If you say that you are without sin you are joking yourself. If you think its just Adam and not your own bloody hands, you are deceived. We are all either hurt, hurting or being healed. We all need Jesus!

The Cat

THE CAT
Poem — Ryan Alexander

In April 2004, twenty-eight-year-old Ryan Alexander deployed to Iraq with the U.S. Army's Stryker Brigade Combat Team. (Alexander had served in the U.S. Marine Corps but was honorably discharged in 2001. When Operation Iraqi Freedom began, he volunteered to work with the SBCT as a civilian. The specifics of his job cannot be disclosed.) Alexander wrote the following poem about a cat he encountered soon after he arrived in Mosul.


She came to me skittish, wild.
The way you're meant to be,
surrounded by cruelty.
I did not blame her.
I would do the same.

A pregnant cat, a happy distraction;
some sort of normal thing.
Calico and innocent.

The kittens in her belly said feed me.

And I did.

She crept with careful eye,
Body held low to the dirt,
Snagged a bite,
And carried it just far enough away.

She liked the MREs,
the beef stew, the chicken breast, the barbeque pork,
but she did not like canned sardines.
I do not blame her.
I would do the same.

She came around again and again
finally deciding that I was no threat,
that this big man wasn't so bad.

I was afraid to touch her as the docs warned us.
Iraqi animals were carriers of flesh-eating disease.
I donned a plastic glove and was the first to pet
this wild creature who may be

the one true heart and mind that America
had won over.

After a while I forgot the glove and enjoyed
the tactile softness of short fur,
flesh-eating bacteria be damned.

Her belly swelled for weeks
and she disappeared for some days
until her kittens were safely birthed

in the shallow of a rusted desk
in the ruins that lined the road behind us.

She came around again slim
with afterbirth still matted to her hind legs.

She would return, but not quite as often.
She came to eat and for attention,
but there was nursing to be done.

One day she crept up with a kitten in her mouth.
She dropped it at my foot and stared up at me;
she expected something, but there was nothing I could do.
The young black and white kitten was dead,
its eyes not yet opened.

It looked like some shriveled old wise thing,
completely still, mouth puckered,
small body curled and limp.

She let me take the baby without a fight.
She knew, but seemed unaffected.

She had fetched me a gift,
a lesson,
among the worried nights,
shot nerves from poorly aimed mortar rounds:

Everything dies.
The evil, the innocent,
her baby and
me.

I thought I should say a prayer and bury
this poor little thing,
but I did for it what will be done for me.
I laid it in the burn can amongst the ash
and said I'm sorry.


From NPR 'Operation Homecoming'

Thank God

I thank God that we are...

Just the fact that humanity exists is at all is quite something. The earth exists at the perfect distance from the sun, has the perfect climate and meets our needs. It is a wonder that everything lined up perfectly that our world is hospitalable to us. It is an amazing thing to ponder.

I thank God that we are made...

Perhaps the greatest gift of life is breath, getting a chance to live. We have one life here on this earth and it is such a wonder, so rich with ups and downs, highs and lows, the very daily struggles that make life a miracle.

I thank God that we are made to serve...

We are placed here for a purpose. We aren't just mindless robots. We aren't just animals that go about meeting basic survival needs. We think, we reason, we dream. This great gift drives us towards goals. Make no mistake, we all serve something. OUr endevours work to build something. What a gift it is to work towards a purpose.


I thank God that we are made to serve HIM.

Even though God is big, bigger than the moon, bigger than the sky, bigger than anything we can grasp, He created us and called us to come back to Him and serve Him. He loves us and cares for us, even when we cannot see His hand at work in our lives. We aren't complete until we sacrifice our own lives and give them to his purpose. That is when we truly become alive.

Yes it is a miracle this gift of life. The fact that humanity exists at all is a wonder. But without a purpose, without God's perfect plan, we are just chance, a lucky run of random hapenstance. But with a wonderful creator of everything laying out a map of marvously miracles to place us here, called to the destiny of becoming His children, with a goal and a challenghe to live for, now that is an awesome thing to contemplate.

Thank GOD!

Mr. Frost

Lately I have been reading a lot of Robert Frost. It’s interesting that I am learning a lot about who I am from America’s country bard. I’m beginning to understand who I am and who I was and how my tastes have change through time.

In my younger days I didn’t get Frost. I found his lyrics slow and quiet. I would read them, and like a dud firecracker when there wasn’t an immediate boom I’d move on to something louder, hungrier and more passionate. Walt Whitman was my choice. He was a man after my own heart. Perhaps I should say he was the madman after my own heart. He went about devouring everything is his path. Whitman’s writings are wild and as unruly as the poet’s feral appearance. Whitman is a machine gun out of control mowing down everything in his path.

With great delight I have rediscovered Frost. His rhyme and structure are ordered, quiet, and subtle. Each one is its own little puzzle that challenges you to think. To find the marrow of Frost’s work you have to look around corners and under rocks for little hidden mysteries. These days, I value that slower pace. I yearn for the quiet. I am intrigued by the deeper meaning hovering underneath Frost’s work. Reading his work is almost a different activity. Whitman sprinted about jumping and shouting while Frost strolled through a quiet meadow and contemplated the meaning of life, love and God hidden in each blade of grass.

It’s funny how I have changed and how evident that is in my taste for poetry. I no longer am in that hurry. I have eased up on the accelerator that was once jammed ever down to the floorboard as I raced through life. I am taking time to stop, look around and take life in. Some days I wish I were younger. It would likely make my relationships much easier. But the truth is that the brash, impulsive person I was in college, the one that wanted to speed recklessly through life with the medal to the metal and consume everything in his path and leave life as a shooting star, that person wouldn’t have made the strong, lasting bonds that I have made with these past two years.

The Lord’s timing is a funny thing. It isn’t always simple or convenient. He works differently then we do. It often isn’t easy for others to understand. But He doesn’t give us what we want. He gives us what we NEED.

I am finding grace in my friendships in places I never expected. I have found people that share my values and goals and want to devout their lives to serving the Lord just as I do. I thank God for putting them in my life.

The Robert Frost reading, more patient Brant is ready to look for the mysterious and unexpected… even if it requires searching under each rock and each blade of grass during long walks in the country. It’s amazing. You never know where you can find love.

Gordon the Express Engine

My son loves Thomas the Tank Engine. He spends his time turning my little apartment into a jumble of train tracks. He flips over laundry baskets and stacks blocks and winds blue plastic tracks everywhere.

We were hanging out watching a video of Thomas and Friends and I was reminded of the Gospel. There is a large steam engine named Gordon that pulls the express. He thinks himself the fastest, the best, and the most important engine on the entire island of Sodor. Often times, this causes him to stumble. His pride becomes arrogance and his arrogance leads him astray.



In this episode, Gordon finds himself hauling freight cars (a task much to undignified for a majestic engine such as himself). "I'm an express engine! I don't haul dirty freight cars." Gordan exclaimed. But the train station manager, Sir Toppum Hat, saw to it that the big, blue express engine did as he was told.





Rumbling down the tracks, freight cars in tow, Gordon grumbled all the way. 'I am too good for this. I should be doing things my own way.'

When he came to a stretch marked GO SLOW, Gordon chuffed, "I am an express! I don't go slow!" and he steamed ahead faster. But when he came to a tricky patch of tracks the weight was too much for him and he went wight off the tracks. He careened down a hill, crashed through a manure pile, slammed through a pile of old tires and crashed right through a barn.

Gordon was humiliated. Sir Toppum Hat arrived and scolded him. He reminded him that he desires very usual engines. But then he called for the breakdown train to come and help clean up the mess and get Gordon back on track.

His lesson learned, Gordon returned to work humbled and more accepting of his position. He saw being an express as a gift but not as a privilege to be better than anyone else.

We are a lot like Gordon. We think that God has made us better than others. We think we are more special or set apart. Often we don't want to do dirty jobs... even when called by the Lord to do so. Look at Jonah for example. He didn't want to Nineveh. So he took off for the end of the earth instead.

When our pride turns to arrogance, we start making our own decisions instead of following God's will. Eventually our lives get out of control and we go off track. We even crash. Sometimes that crash is quite messy indeed. But God still loves us. He is always right there to help us back on track. He reminds us that He is GOD and that we are not. But He takes us back and puts us back into service for Him.

He wants us to be very usual Christ-followers, using our gifts not to boost our own station or boast our superiority, but to bring glory to our Father.

He always gets us back on track. ALWAYS.

My Desire

Just in case you have forgotten what it is all about let's take a moment and listen to Jeremy Camp and let him focus our hearts and our minds back where they belong.



My Desire
Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use

Graduation

I was part of an amazing church ceremony. It was graduation morning and surrounded by friends, family, and the smell of egg bake, we celebrated Amanda's graduation. In her living room, sitting in a circle we praised God, thanked Him for giving us such a shining star, and set her on her way into this world where we all know that she will be a Light Barer.

We started with music. Chris and I leading the singing on Open the Eyes of My Heart, a tune that we did at every G-squared. That is very fitting since Amanda was at every G-squared and in fact was often a vital part, leading prayer, reading Scripture, or sharing her testimonial.

After this, Calla Johnson gave a message directed towards Amanda but received by us all. The meaning? Jesus Christ's love is a force that is unstoppable. The world is hurt by sin and there are people chosen by God to be the love and to shine in the darkness and help people stop hurting.

"You are the light of the world. Let your light shine before others, so they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:14, 16

We all shared moments when we were with Amanda where the Lord's love shined through. There was at the Veteran Stand Down when she touched the heart of a homeless veteran and the Lord started working in her heart. There was the experience on the West Virginia Mission Trip where she saw a miracle. There was at the Open Door Mission when we met Kevin and saw Grace working in him like an atomic bomb. All of those moments were times when God was showing her something important... that He is alive and amazing and accessible today. Amanda, shaped by those events just doesn't believe this... She lives it. She always reminds me the power of prayer- not passive prayers like thank you cards to God, but powerful prayers like a hammer striking an anvil.

Amanda has been shaped by trials as well. She has lost people dear to her, had her life changed by divorce and lived through attacks from the evil one. This past year she has handle with faith and dignity events that people twice her age wouldn't have handled. Why did God allow her to endure these things? Calla purposed that He is preparing her to face great challenges in the future. Serving the Lord is NEVER easy. Enemies try and strike you down every chance they get. But God is there in the dark times just as close as He is when there are miracles and triumphs. And that she has taken to heart. She is ready for trials.



Next we all formed a circle around Amanda and laid hands on her. We prayed for her, thanking God for getting to know her, bidding that He watch over her and keep her safe, and reminding her that we are always there for her. It was amazing.

Finally, Calla next played Lifesong by Casting Crowns and dedicated the song to Amanda.



We all know that the Lord has special plans for her. We have been blessed to share some time with her on her walk with the Lord. It was a very special ceremony for a very special person at the end of one stage in all of our lives.

Go with God and do amazing things, Amanda. We have you back!

Numbers

Hey friends,

I just wanted to make a quick shout out to all my friends. Me second LG Chocolate phone puked out on me!!! I got a replacement but I have lost a lot of numbers. If you read this and haven't got a text from me lately, please send me a quick text so I can save your number back into my address book.


Also, in two weeks I will switch over to the following email address fulltime-

bbollman@thrownroom.com

Grace and peace,

Bollman

Agents of Evil

Inspired by Amanda's poem, I have been thinking about agents of the evil one. In the past, I have compared the devil's handy work to that of the Emperor in Star Wars: Episode III. But Amanda's words lead me to the Bible.

"you" by Amanda Robertson

We all remember King Herod from the magi in Nativity story. He was a power-hungry, evil man willing to stop at nothing to keep his authority. Today is no different. There are always herods, people that are jealous of the light. They attack it, even try to destroy it by any means possible.

The magi were on a mission. They traveled across the land with a just purpose. They sought JESUS. They wanted to worship the child that would be King of the Jews. They came to honor Him, pay Him tribute, to give Him praise.

Herod was a vile and jealous man. He could not stand anything being honored but himself. He had to be the one in the limelight. Anything or anyone else was a threat... Even a little baby born in a cave. Herod hated the light and he would do anything to stomp it out.

What a snake! When the magi came to Herod seeking the mysteries of the star, he pretended to also want to meet the Christ-child.

He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

Matthew 2:8

Sometimes the devil has agents that pretend to be seeking the truth. But in fact they are acting just like Herod. They sneak into the flock like a wolf in sheep's clothing. They pretend to be fellow seekers. But in fact they merely seek targets to attack and destroy.

But the Lord gave the magi wisdom, and they did not return to Herod to expose the location of the Christ-child. Instead they presented Him gifts and headed on their way.

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.

Matthew 2:16

In the end, those jealous of the Light will do any dastardly deed to try and destroy it. But will not succeed.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

John 3:19-21


Perhaps when you read these words you too have someone leap into your mind. Maybe you know someone that is a herod. But as Christ-followers we must be faithful and live by truth. There, in the light, the misdeeds of the agents of evil may be revealed.

A Lamp in the Night

As I have stated, I am heading out into the big world. I think of myself as an adventurer boarding a ship for a strange new world. Where I go only the Lord knows. But I will carry this lamp as my guide.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105



Your Words

Darkness falls, safe harbor disappears behind me,
Bitter cold envelops me, I pull my cloak tight
Deep purple fills the world and pulls my heart down
my fears become ghosts and whisper that I am lost and dying

The sounds of night haunt me
The cry of invisible beasts bring my feet to a gallop
I lose my footing, I stumble
Darkness buries me, I am lost and dying

But then the light, the light that pierces the dark
The warm yellow shaft, like a sword
Sweeps through the murk and gives sight to my blind eyes,
My feet find the ground, my heart swells

Lord you are my light
When I am trapped in the dark I look for you
Lord, your Words sooth me, they rescue me
They pick me up, they comfort me in this dark wilderness.

Lord, Your words are like a torch in the darkness
They light my way
I will not fail with you warming my world
I will carrying that light always

Repost and Comments Wayfaring Stranger 2/25/06

The Following blog entry was originally posted on 2/25/06 after a folk jam with my old friends Tom Potts, Terry Crosley and the gang in Kimballton. I was listening to The Beautiful Letdown the other day and it brought me right back here- to that moment- contemplating tears on the West Virginia mission trip.

---

WAYFARING STRANGER

I am a poor wayfaring stranger,
While traveling through this world of woe.
Yet there’s no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright world to which I go.
I’m going there to see my Father;
I’m going there no more to roam.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

I know dark clouds will gather round me;
I know my way is rough and steep.
But golden fields lie out before me
Where God’s redeemed shall ever sleep.
I’m going there to see my mother,
She said she’d meet me when I come.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

I’ll soon be free from every trial,
My body sleep in the churchyard;
I’ll drop the cross of self denial
And enter on my great reward.
I’m going there to see my Savior,
To sing His praise forevermore.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

We are just travelers here. Whether you are cognoscente of it or not, you too are on a road to a different place. For a long stretch of my life I was working so hard to heap up things that matter in this world. I cared about status and money and such. I was focused on the things in front of me. That is all I could... all I could imagine.

"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or--worse!-stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

-Matthew 6:19-20

Then the revelation came during that summer mission trip to Charleston, WV. The Lord utilized me in ways I had never imagined. I felt the Holy Spirit working in me, changing me into someone else. I helped kids grow closer to Christ and blossom spiritually. I had always been the teacher that everyone loved. It was so rewarding to transform that student/teacher relationship into one of a spiritual leader. At a foot washing ceremony on the last night of our mission trip we all prayed and prayed. I really opened myself up to God and let Him use me unconditionally. I could feel Old Adam dying and Christ building up a new better person in me.

We shared many hugs, many tears and truly felt the Spirit move. I knew then I had found my calling. I found a quiet corner and prayed, “This evening is the start of a new life for me. I hold nothing back from you Lord. Every part of me belongs to You. Use me as You will.” I wanted to be just as energized and passionate about Jesus EVERYDAY of my life as I was on mission trips.

This was a moment I will never forget. I sat in the men's dorm room weeping for hours into the night... but I was gitty. I just kept on thinking... so this is what life is about! I had found 'it'. And to think, I had been wasting my efforts on other things... when the whole time, 'it' was right here for free. It was a beautiful letdown when I realized that I had everything backwards. Real joy comes from sharing God's light with others. Before, I taught about great artists like Picasso and Pollock. Now I teach about the greatest artist of all, the one that made the earth and stars and knew me before I was even born.

There is nothing more bittersweet than the moment that you realize that you are a complete idiot and everything you had been living for was wrong. Jon Foreman calls this the beautiful letdown.

Beautiful Letdown
Switchfoot

It was a beautiful let down when I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down the day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in, until I found out I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down when you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down that's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free
We're still chasing our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong, I don't belong here
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah, let my foolish pride forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down, painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here, feels like I don't belong here
Let me down, because I don't belong here
Please, won't you let me down?

In the years since my late night awakening, my paradigm has shifted. I now see this entire life as merely an on-ramp for a much better ride. And the place we are headed hasn't got any of the baggage that we are used to. No sickness, toil or danger. It is just one long interstate. But unfortunately, some people do not realize that they have missed their exit and are headed for the wrong road. Friends, I ask you to take a moment and evaluate where your priorities are set. What are you living for?

---

A year and a half later I have new perspectives. I feel more than ever a longing for the future Kingdom where tears are wiped from my eyes. But I see this world as a place to shine light, to bring heaven here. We are to shine the Light into dark corners here. So it is off into the world with my Lamp on new adventures.

Go with God.

Free Indeed

I woke up this morning and I have never felt more alive. There was a strong breeze blowing and there was something special in the air. It was freedom. I am free, free indeed!

My friend (and mentor) Calla Johnson pointed me towards the accounts of David in the OT. There I found a man that was called by God to do great things. He started out with a bang (see David and Goliath) but this early success brought on the wraith of King Saul who literally hunted him like a dog. There were times that it looked like David would be ran down and killed. But every time he made it. Every time God rescued him. Every time he saw set free. All of these hard times just made him stronger, more ready for the victories ahead.

I smell freedom in the air. That freedom comes from my death with Jesus on the cross. I feel alive. That life comes from His resurrection. I am made new again. I am alive! Just has David did I will place my trust in my Lord and Savior. And even when hunted like a dog I will never give up hope. Jesus is the RESCUE! Jesus is the REDEEMER! With him there is new life, there is a new freedom.

Free indeed.

The Big Table

Some times we learn the easy way. Some times the answers to life's mysteries just fall in our laps like little slips of wisdom in our fortune cookies. But other times life teaches us the big valuable lessons the hard way. We are dragged through the stinky mess like a dog thrust into his own doings.

When I first arrived at my last job there was a little group of people that sat together in the mornings and drank coffee and looked important. There was something about the group that I didn't understant but I wanted to join. Something inside made me want to me 'in'. In time I found out that this table was the self-imposed center of moral authority in this workplace.

Luckily, after five years I worked myself into a chair at that table and for the first time in my life I was popular. We sat at the big table and watched those that passed by and judged them. Every snip of gossip danced through our lips as we decided who was good and who was bad. And the sad thing is... it felt wonderful to be there. I felt so important. I was drunk from the feeling of being 'in'.... of being 'better' than those not in the little group.

But then tides change and sure enough I found myself on the outside looking in... and I knew just as we had talked about everyone else all those time, now they were in there talking about me. They were shaking their heads about what they were sure I was doing or not doing right... And in a bitter moment of realization I knew that I had been very, very wrong. I realized that that drunk feeling was sin. I had been stepping on others to feel better about myself and that is the very opposite of the Gospel. I was very ashamed.

Jesus Christ is about reaching out to others. He never separates himself. He's about being trod upon to save others. He's never about burying another under his boot heel. We are living the Gospel when we are outside... Never when we are inside with our noses raised and casting judgement on everyone who is ''out'.


Jesus said, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Why is it that often times those who see themselves as the most religious are really only the most self-righteous? Why is it that some people boast their faith but are truly only overzealous? What if people spent as must time helping others as they did gossiping about them? What if people who profess to knowing Jesus actually started acting like him? What if all of the 'ins' knew what it felt like to be an 'out'?

Holy Father, forgive me for my sins against my neighbor. I now see the light. -Amen

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Charisa!!!



Your blue eyes and curly mop have got me hooked!

2 years... it seems like I've always known you.

-Dad-dee

Make Your Lives Extraordinary

I had a student doing an art appreciation report for a college class where they had to analyse the design elements of a famous masterwork of art. She chose Bouguereau's The Return of Spring, a work that I have blogged about before. I was literally jumping for joy. I watched in anticipation as she described the elements of the work that made it good. She wrote details about the artist's use of line, the grouping of three cherubs, the golden mean and various other technical things... and never touched on what the work means. Bouguereau was making this work for a reason. He wanted to communicate something very important, something monumental, spiritual that relates to the very essences of human existence. He wanted to touch people.

The student explained that they weren't allowed to give opinions on what works of art meant or how they made them feel. This class was about things that weren't subjective, standards not style.

Isn't that sad?




We are human beings. We aren't robots. With art and poetry you can try to cut out the spiritual element but then its left hollow.

I took some grad classes at a bible college. The biblical studies classes felt the same way to me. In the dispansationalist view of the world, the Gospel is free of magic, mystery, and power. It was like studying a history book.... Boo!!!

The Spirit speaks through the Bible and touches the heart of man, just like a powerful work of art moves the us. That is the essence of the creative arts and the reason we are alive.

Tattoo

I think I may get a tattoo to mark the end of this chapter of my life. I can't decided between a nautical lamp to light my way through the dark or a treble hook cross to represent being a fisher of men. I have two days to decide.





I'll keep you posted.

Graduation

I participated in my school's graduation ceremony earlier today. I said goodbye to the students, but really I was saying goodbye to this chapter of my life. The students that I love here will still be a part of me. Our relationships will just change. Daily conversation will become an occasional phone call or text conversation or myspace message. But our connects cannot be broken, just changed by distance and circumstance.

This place doesn't feel the same to me anymore. Roland would say that 'the world has moved on.' So it's time to gather up my things and follow the beam onwards towards my own destiny. And there is no need to look back. The world has passed on.

The Black Suit

In the third installment of the big screen Spiderman, Peter Parker fights three powerful super villains, Sandman, Hobgoblin and Venom. But the true enemy that he fights is his own sinnful nature.

Symbolized by a new black suit created from intergalactic goo, Spiderman finds an avenue for empowering himself with fame, fortune and ladies. The suit allows him to use his power to seek revenge. It's mostly the same powers, but used to better himself instead of the world.

I enjoyed this element of the movie. Sin is like a suit that clings to us. It is very hard to escape. Cloaked in sin we do use our gifts for selfish gains not for the betterment of society. And revenge and anger can be sweet drugs. But with all drugs, a time comes when the high is gone and you are left with nothing but an empty core, devoured by you lack of self-control.

Spiderman strips off his sin atop the spire of a cathedral. He come to the vantage point to escape everything and reach out for help... and sin is shed like a layer of dry skin.

Later Spiderman has to battle Venom, the embodiment of all the consequences of his sin. This lead to the death of Pete's best friend. Often in life we repent our sins and trust in the Jesus, but the legacy of those sins aren't easy to escape. They haunt us. In fact, it take courage, faith and stength to make things right.

Spiderman 3 isn't as good as the last epic thriller pitting the webbed crusader vs mad scientist Doc Oc, but its visuals are entertaining, the story while slow in the beginning picks up, and the morality play might, just might, give you food for thought.

Pearl Jam- Rearview Mirror

Rearview Mirror

Rearview Mirror

Pearl Jam

I took a drive today
Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I'm not about to give thanks or apologize

I couldn't breathe holdin' me down
Hand on my face kissin' the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
'Posed to endure what I could not forgive...


Oh, Eddy Vedder, how you spoke for my teenage angst. How your words seemed to sum up all of my inner struggles, all of my battles when I was half the age I am now. It's so sweet that I find your words again quoted by a friend.

I seem to look away
Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn't my surface most defiled
Head at your feet fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive

I haven't been wounded by stones, but I have been stung by barbed words uttered behind my back, unsigned letters scribbled by ignorant, elderly paws and worst of all, the poorly veiled public letter to the people. Whoever first said, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me!" was lying to himself. But I had a flash of light today... a brilliant moment of clarity when I realized that it no longer had any hold over me. I am set free.

I gather speed from you f**king with me
Once and for all I'm far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades are raised

"Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person there and stay at his house until you leave. As you enter the home, give it your greeting. If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. I tell you the truth, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town. I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."

-Matthew 10:11-16

Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...
Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...


I saw the words, building an empire of lies
All apologies but never a look in the eyes
Running in circles, end and means are the same
Invisible subjects without any names

Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...

Why would I cry as I shake the dust from my feet? Keep your castles in the sand. Like water off a ducks back I reject these words as I never look back, never look back.

Saw things so much clearer once you were in my rearview mirror!

Happyness

I saw two movies this past weekend. The first was Spiderman 3. It had big name actors, a big budget, and lots of special effects. I liked it. It didn't change my life of anything but I thought it was worth my eight bucks. I liked the morality play in the middle of the film. I am sure I will blog about it in the near future.

Tonight though, I sat down and watched The Pursuit of Happyness. I wasn't prepared for JUST HOW GOOD a movie it would be. It touched me deep in my soul. The film is an immediate favorite of mine. It will join the Dead Poet Society, The Fisher King, and As Good As It Gets as one of my very very favorite movies.



If you haven't seen it, GO RENT IT TODAY! It's a story of a father's love for his child. He is tenacious, unwavering. He could have quit as times got rough but he stands true and prevails.

MONEY doesn't equal happiness... Peace comes from finding a way to protect those you love.

Made Alive in Christ

Ephesians 2:1-10

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.


We are God's workmanship? We are His masterpieces- the work of His hand? His living artwork?

I can almost see this... I have a lump of clay in the back of my art room. My Art Studio kids left it there after class the other day. Right now its not much. It's just a mass of clay smashed together in a plastic bag. It doesn't do anything. It can't be fired because it hasn't been refined into workable vessels. It's just there... taking up space. But it has potential.

If an artist comes along and lovingly works it in their hands, if they have a vision and sacrifice some of that creativity to create something more, that clay can be transformed into a functional vessel, a cup or an ash tray... or even into powerful sculptures that speak to the soul... We are God's work. Through Christ we aren't just clay in the bag taking up space. We become something more. We are worked and changed by the Artist into masterpieces... not by our own inherent qualities but by the work of the Artist.

I came to this piece of Scripture searching for the 'Dominion over the Air' line I discussed the other day. I found an amazing story of how He is working a masterpiece in me. God bless wild goose chases.

Danish Artists Visit My Room

Danish artists Susanne Thea and Kurt Dupont Larsen visited Elk Horn-Kimballton art students on Monday to discuss art as well to talk about their participation in the “Immigrants” exhibition in the United States.

READ THE STORY HERE

Spaceships on the Moon

I keep thinking about the devil. I am not quite sure why. Perhaps it's Chris William's emails about the Screwtape Letters. But I keep coming back to the observation that most good intentioned people spend their time chasing a devil of their own creation and they don't even know his face.

I once had a very earnest Christian tell me that she thought that the devil had a secret base on the dark side of the moon where his demon-minions were busy constructing flying saucers for his master plan. At the opportune time, once enough TV shows about almond-eyed aliens had saturated the skies, the demon spaceships would evade and turn us into cattle...

The proof that they had of this, other than some scared little man on some obscure late night AM radio program was a line from the Bible stating something to the effect that the enemy will have dominion over the air.

Again, this would make a good X-files plot, I may even like to watch that episode, but to think that the devil works in this way is just plain ridiculous to me.


We have already turned over the airwaves to sin... turn on the television and you see what absolute disregard our society has for the weak, the hurting and the poor. Instead POP culture worships glitz, silicone skin, and monastical wealth. In a world where little kids idolize Paris Hilton over Mother Teresa, and boys strive to build WWE bodies and becoming an army of ONE over humbly becoming a member of a community it seems to me that the airwaves are already controlled by a force that wants to press us all down into servitude of greed, lust, and vice.

No, the devil doesn't build spaceships on the dark side of the moon. Instead he sits back in his easy chair and cackles as this society speeds every faster out of control chasing plastic beauty, quick highs, and piles of little green paper napkins painted with kings of ages past.

I think Honest Abe might want his visage back if he saw what we were doing with our all mighty dollars. That is where real sin is... We have and we hold our money while people hurt and we are blind to anything but our own itching eyes.

Demons Ate My Homework

I just heard a remarkable tale told to me by a teenage boy. He said his pastor told him that he was possessed by a demon while playing with a OIUGI board as a youngest.... Oh my!

The kid asked if I thought that was true. I smiled and said, "Yes, and Dungeons and Dragons makes you commit suicide, heavy metal music makes you kill your classmates and girls wearing short dresses are asking to get attacked by perverts."

I certainly believe in the devil. He is real. He is present in this world. He tempts us with lies of our own self importance. But many many people have things all mixed up when it comes to how he works.

We have a need to create boogie men in this world. We use them as excuses for why we fail to do what we know is right. Guilty parents have passed the buck off on invisible monsters for decades... in fact I imagine that this is probably part of human nature.

Black magic 8 balls and OIUGI boards are stupid gimmicks that appeal to a certain kind of kid. They are just silly toys. They might lead to a fascination with the occult that could turn dangerous... but one silly time pretending to talk with the ghost of Elvis doesn't make you possessed by anything but boredom.

When Jesus is in our heart we have nothing to fear. Cardboard games, floating dice in black plastic and such are just dust of this earth. They mean nothing in the 4th dimension of the KINGDOM.

Instead of blaming boardgames for your problems as a teenager, perhaps one should look deeper... What was really the issue? I believe one might find that excuses are just made to cover up a guilty conscious.

Narrow Door

Everyone's driving, driving down the wide road, down the wide road
So fast, so blindly drunk on the flumes, they don't even see
Changing lanes and running their cars into the ground
counting mile markers on the road to know how far You've gone wrong

Take the narrow road, take the hard way

The Big Dance

The Big Dance
Originally posted Friday, April 21, 2006

Prom

My final EH-K prom is in the books. It's quite funny to look back a year ago at my prom angst and compare it to my thoughts this year. There were other pressures baring down on me as well; my marriage was falling apart, I was dissatisfied with graduate school, I wasn't getting my spiritual needs met by the quality of sermon at my former church, and I was battling an identity crisis.

I went to school to be an abstract painter. I had become the prom monkey. All of my spiritual energies were being poured into living the beatitudes. My work was promoting a false front, a decadent worship of the material, the flashy, the fleshy. I couldn't bring those two into alignment.

I will repost my thought of one year ago. Enjoy.


Bollman

Don't wait

We live in a fallen world. In this venomous place we are all hurting. We are bitten by sin and like a dog licking its wounds we crawl back to hidden place inside ourselves. We make walls around that pain. We cover it in think protective armor. We do this to protect ourselves so that we might never feel that pain again.

But walls and defenses are fooling. We build a fortress around our hearts with trenches and barbed wire. But all we are doing is making a prison of loneliness. We aren't escaping future pain. No. We are locking ourselves up with the ghosts of past pains and failures. It makes us cold and empty.

But Jesus is love. He came to the ill and the dying and reach out and touched them in their dark places. He healed them, restored them, made them whole. We don't have to live with armor. We can lay it down and live life free. We can open our arms and embrace love. It's a wonderful new day.

Don't wait. Lay it down today.

Fine Arts

Hello friends,

I am working now on relaunching this site as a Fine Arts ministry. I hope to share my art, my poetry, music, friend's art and music and such. Stay close. Thrownroom is just in a caccoon.

Currently I am apartment hunting for my summer move. I am also decorating for prom this weekend. That is always a major drain but I love to create. I am glad I had something since I am not focused on the band and writing music and messages and such.

I am working on some tatt designs for some friends and I am ready to get my bronze lamp on my back. I just need the CASH.... darn kids eat EVERDAY! ;-)

Grace and peace,

Bollman

Forever and ever

I remember better times when life was sublime if we just made it to Crowder once a year. We lived for that feeling of connectivity in the pit. It's very sad but it seems so far from those days, those innocent days of seeking and finding, of knocking and opening.

But I watch this video and I smile. I think we all can recapture that youthful gleam, that child-like smile... Heaven was made for these. Jesus said it takes the heart of a child to gain entrance into heaven. So let us put away our pretense and our self-importance and run barefooted through the clover, jump on our beds and laugh with our heads tilted back. Oh, Childhood.. where are you hiding?


For your viewing pleasure... The new DC*B video.

New Horizons

Hello friends,

Some of you know this already, but for those who don't (if they still check this almost abandoned little blog) I will announce it here.

I have accepted a job teaching art at a school district in central Iowa.

It is not easy leaving Elk Horn, my adopted home, but life is a series of changes.

I will keep my connections to my close friends here in western Iowa and Omaha. I will continue my ministry in whatever new form it takes. Chris and I are writing music. Thrown will step back, heal, grow, evolve, leap, push and work for the Kingdom. In all things we strive to transform and never conform.

Thank you for your support. Now that my occupation is secured I will have more time to write. I want to tackle many issues on why I felt it necessary to leave Elk Horn. I want to share so that my readers can learn as I have learned. Jesus is remedy. He isn't easy just as the truth isn't easy to hear and medicine is hard to swallow. But we choke down the hard lessons and we keep it down and we are healed and we are made new.

I feel that I am shedding my cocoon and spreading my wings.

More soon...

Bollman

Break

Dear friends,

Thrown has decided to take a break for a while and focus on some internal ministry. Generation Genesis for the month of April has been canceled. We do not know how long this hiatus will last but your prayers are always welcome.

Thank you for your years of support. Jesus Christ is alive and available for you today. He is life change. He is hope. With Him you can do all things.

Grace and peace,

THROWN

Update

Hello friends,

I have been very business the past week. I have been working on summer job plans, doing the Parent-Teacher Conference thing, having fun with my kids and writing new music with Topher.

I have been jotting down some interesting blog ideas but just haven't had access to a computer long enough to finalize those thoughts.

Do remember that Generation Genesis at the Bethany Barn is April 1st at 7:00pm. Everyone is welcome.

Grace and peace,

Bollman

Band Update

Friday night we played opening for Carjack Lovers. Minus working man Cody Haner we played a stripped down acoustic set. Joel rocked the Djembe and Chris and I played six string acoustics with no effects at all. The crowd was quite robust, mostly Audubon kids that haven't seen us before. I think they were pleasantly surprised that these three old guys who sing about Jesus rocked out with songs relevant to their lives.

Grace and peace,

Bollman

Song Set for Friday

My songs-
Be Me
Deeper Well
Testify
Lazarus Man

Chris' songs-
Holy Water
I Want to Give
Web of Lies


Cover Tunes-
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

Comments welcome

Jesus Painting

Oh the Jesus Painter. Now here is a man after my own post-modern, emergent heart. God made us in His image and His image is that of a creator. I have stated over and over again about the inborn desire in the human being to create things. Here is a man who has turned his creativity into praise.

It is my experience that when we turn our joys and our talents into praise (lifted up to glorify the Lord) we find true pleasure and we live life richly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M4_IlbaZHA

The other amazing part of this video are the comments. I am touched by the comments that go something like, "WOW! I am truly touched by this video. PRAISE THE LORD!" I am saddened by the responses that are very negative, "God is dead! Religion is a crutch for fool!" but most of all I am really frightened by the anger of those Christians who answer back with judgement. "YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT STUFF BURNING IN HELL!!!"

Jesus loves those lost sheep. He wants us to love them and reach out to them with a gentle touch with a message of understanding. If we should at them with a bullhorn that they are going to hell we might find that on judgement day God is a bit upset that we let them slip through our fingers with our angry faces and our damning them to hell.

Go paint big Jesus pictures. Reach out. Save the stone throwing for someone else.

I am what I am

I grew up on comic books and fantasy games. I love Super Mario Bros. and Legend of Zelda. I once drove five hours to have lunch with Gary Gygax. I have little action figures still in the boxes. I have watched every episode of Star Trek. I loved the first three original Star Wars movies... even the killer teddy bears. I like Renaissance Fairs and cheap Forgotten Realms books. I like to watch the first Matrix movie over and over as if it were the only thing on tv. I love Conan the Barbarian with Arnold before he became a politician. I was almost kicked out of a gaming convention for harassing "Chainmail Girl". I love this sort of geeky stuff. I have always loved them since the days of old when I watched Gummy Bears and Thundercats. I am a sci-fi/fantasy nerd at heart.

For a lot of my life I was told that I couldn't be a Christian and like all that stuff. The two didn't mesh. I had to choose between my Savior and the stuff that made me smile. I believed that for a long time. And I thought I must have been made wrong. Because no matter how hard I tried I still loved comic books and dragons and robots.

Then I met Mike and his different kind of Christianity. God made me this way. I am free in Him to enjoy this world as long as He is in my heart. He has vindicated me. He saw something in me worth saving. So He died for me.

COOL BEANS!

Who's Fault

In life we often try and point the finger at someone when things don't turn out the way we want. We look for a bad guy, a scapegoat that can ease our minds. This is true for all of us. No one is exempt.

Some times we try and blame God for our failures. Like Job we look to the sky and raise our hands and and say, "It's not my fault... God dealt me a bad hand... He must have it out for me... It's not fair. God shouldn't have let this bad thing happen to me!"

Other times, we try and blame the devil for our short comings. "The devil made me do it! It was him not me..." How many serial killers show up in court with that excuse? Sure, I believe in the enemy and his tricks... But who has blood on his hands?

Sometimes we find a villain that we can blame all of our disappointments on. I myself have wasted whole months of my life wallowing in self-pity because someone with a dark, cold heart was out to get me... That self-pity didn't make him go away and it didn't make anything better.

We look to these three ways out of admitting something that is OH so hard to spit out of our mouths... That maybe it's someone else's fault altogether.

How often do we look back and realize that it was truly us, that we might be to blame? It's true that God has stuck us in an imperfect world that is tainted by sin. It is also true that we can be swayed by the false promises of evil. We can be tricked to think that easy solutions might grant us real happiness but behind those lies is only disillusionment and pain. We can point a finger at others... friend that led us astray or enemies that tripped us up on our path... All of these excuses make us feel better... But they miss a key point. We make our own decisions. We are the boss of our own choices and our own actions. Others might pressure us. Others might whisper to us. But in the end, we make the misstep, we pull the trigger, we drop the ball.

It might make us feel better to pass the buck off on the devil... it might make us feel guilt--free by pinning culpability on God's world and the hand that was stacked against you... but in the end... We are to blame.

The more I think about that then more I am glad that I have a Friend that will take me back, hold me close and forgive me of my failures.

Take You Back

Jeremy Camp

I'll take you back always

Even when your fight is over now

I'll take you back

Even when the pain is coming through

I'll take you back

Blame Game

From Abraham Heschel, "I Asked For Wonder"

It is customary to blame secular science and antireligious philosophy for the eclipse of religion in modern society. It would be more honest to blame religion for its own defeats. Religion declined, not because it was refuted, but because it became irrelevant, dull, oppressive, insipid.

When faith is completely replaced by creed, worship by discipline, love by habit; when the crisis of today is ignored because of the splendor of the past; when faith becomes an heirloom rather than a living fountain; when religion speaks only in the name of authority rather than with the voice of compassion, its message becomes meaningless.

Bow

"At the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heavan and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glowry of God the Father."

-Phil 2:10-11

Sunday is here. Come bow with us and honor His Holy Name. It's just practice for the real thing but He's coming soon. So come on out to Bethany Barn and bow with us.

5:00 Ping Pong

7:00 Loud Music and Bowing

Leonardo's Light

Leonardo was an interesting fellow. Perhaps the most unusual of all of God's creation. He was a genius, thinking in abstractions five-hundred years before their times. He wasn't just an artist. He was an inventor, a military strategist, engineer, municipal planner, and his interest in the working of the human body lead him to covert mortician work.

Personally, he was an enigma. He was said to be a sorcerer, a homosexual, a necrophiliac, and the keeper of Jesus' secret love life. The truth is we know little but what was left in his notebooks, his few surviving paintings (many of which he never finished) and his trail of court cases. But we can clearly see his genius, his forward thinking, and his fascination with creation.

"The color of the object illuminated partakes of the color of that which illuminates it."

-Leonardo da Vinci

In this quote Leo is speaking about a basic principle of light and color. An item's color is effected by everything around it. A white vase next to a red apple will have a pinkish hue from the refracted light. But there is also a much deeper meaning that one can see. Let's look to the book of First John for a similar message.

Walking in the light

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.


Us human beings like to think of ourselves as being rough and tough. Paul Simon sang in that old folk song, "I am a rock... I am an island." But I think that song is mostly Paul's wishful thinking. The reality is we aren't rocks. We aren't hard and unaffected by the world in which we live. In a strange way I think we are like sponges. We are porous and absorb everything around us. If we surround ourselves with the illusions of this world, if we suck up the glitz and glamour, the neon lights and the fast food filth, we become that which we see, that we hear. We are what we eat. But if we focus on the Light of the World, if we soak up the Son... if we bask in the Ever Glow of God's Son Jesus Christ, we take on that which shines down on us.

Lord, shine on me.

God Made Woman

The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,'
for she was taken out of man."

Genesis 2:23

There is just something special about a woman. The curve of her cheek, the smell of her hair, her shapely silouette. In my humble opinion, the female form is some of God's best work. Sure there are mountains that astonish and waterfalls that take your breath away. And shots from the Hubble telescope are quite amazing. But WOMAN... WOMAN... There is something to behold.

Sometime in life you find yourself in the company of a certain woman, one that seems to see right through the walls that we build around our hearts. Like armor for sheep, she easily steps right through the barriers and touches your soul. You sit there at the moment and stare at her... and you know what Adam must have felt...

"WOW! God... This living, breathing being is perfect for me... I am no longer alone."

God Made Woman

Keith Urban

It must've been the most beautiful day
Looking down on all creation
He took a river that winds and turns
He took a fire that breathes and burns
And put it all in place
In the most precious way

When God made woman
He must've been proud
He must've been crying aloud
Or laughing out loud
Must've felt like the first time
Getting kissed by the sun
When God made woman

Modigliani was a painter that got God's greatest creation. In his paintings he abstracted men to be angular and course. Woman he made curved, elegant, subtle, quiet, passionate and always long necked and graceful. I look at Modi's work and I see that woman, that Eve... that perfect woman that comes along and makes you whole.

God never wanted us to be alone. He made people for us to find, to stare at.... to fall in love with and to take our breath away. Thank Him for the wonderful gift of love... His wonderful gift of woman.

The Modern Machine

"Circles"
Switchfoot

Another day
Another sunrise
Another factory call
Another night
Another sunset
Another freefall

Am I alive?
Am I on purpose?
Within the weakness
Within the weakness...

Spinning out in circles

You are on the right track when you are down. You are on the right track when you are in pain. You are about to figure it out when you are at the end of your hope. If you are lucky you will lose it all.

This doesn't even seem right. We live in a world where you are ahead when you have the largest pile of stuff amassed around you. You have real power when you have your thumb on the largest amount of people. Important people, the way the world sees it, have the most money, they have the biggest house, the fastest car and live life rubbing elbows with the same sort of people.

How much do we lose in this life by chasing success? How much to we throw away in pursuit of a happiness that is only skin deep. We lose our depth. We become like cardboard cut-outs of the real thing. We lose our souls.

The Modern Age, the time of reason and philosophy brainwashed us into believing that humanity and logic held locked within the potential of the human mind the answer to all of lifes problems. But the more we chase the humanistic utopia the more we find that its a myth. It's a mirage. There is no solution of human invention or logical solutions. Reason is only man's delusion that he has it all figured out.

Another day
Another lifetime
Another engine stalls
Another line
Another freeway
Another freefall

I've lost all that I wanted to leave
I've lost all that I wanted to be
Don't believe that there's nothing that's true
Don't believe in this modern machine!
The modern machine

In circles

The Modern machine. It is now a lumbering behemoth. We can see she is patched and smoking. The truth which reason cannot avoid, the truth which logic cannot silence threatens to haul her down. Man on his own only labors to build his own prison cell. Like the workers at Babel they plan a tower to the heavens but in the end construct only their undoing. It's time to tear down the machine and look to the mystic, the spiritual, the divine. Jesus Christ is alive and holds out to us keys to a utopia not built on human perfect, but grounded in the truth that God became flesh and dwelt among us. He suffered and died for us. He rose again. He is the answer to the riddles that haunt your sleepless nights and the potion to cure your heartache. Reach for the answer today.

The Big D

So I haven't been blogging. I haven't been doing much of anything but thinking. I have gone through some radical changes. Lately I have been lamenting how much my life is lost from two years ago. Change isn't ever easy. But it's what life is all about.

Sometimes in life we change like a butterfly. We are all ugly and gross... then we go through this amazing seeker-stage where we are transformed into something much more wonderful. Then... BOOM! We come out and we are beautifully transformed. We spread our wings and soar.

Other times our change is less graceful. Sometimes we transform like a snake molting. We shed our old, dry skin and wriggle out into the world. The change is slow, painful and cumbersome. Like growing too large for a favorite suitcoat. The buttons stretch and we labor to squeeze back into it time and time again. Finally we give it up and are forced to change.

We can debate the road that got us here. We can live in the past of shouldas and wouldas and couldas. But living in the past is really a waste of the greatest gift God has given us... Hey! I just quoted Lindy on this blog. COOL!

All of the struggles and fights and issues that brought me to this place in life are all in the past. And now I sit here and look at a road before and I must move on.

I went to the mandatory Children in the Middle class for couples going through divorce the other day. It really made me stop and think. But what I learned most from the class came from the people around me. They were just so darn angry at their former spouses. "How dare they move on! How dare they do these things..." they ranted and raved with hatred in their eyes. WOW! How sobering.

I don't know exactly what Jesus thinks of my divorce. I don't know if He shed a tear in heaven as the events unfolded. I don't know if He shook His head in anger at the choices we made or hollered down to us to change this or that. But I do know one thing... one thing for sure. Jesus doesn't want me to hate my ex-wife. He doesn't want me to go through life bitter and harbouring pain and anguish for things she did or is doing now. No, Jesus wants me to make peace with her and to be her friend. He wants me to come to terms with my mistakes, apologize to her for them and to work to become a better person. But He doesn't want me to live in a past of shouldas, wouldas and couldas.

There are things that I must do now in the new life that is emerging for me. I must be the best parent that I can be. And those of you on the inside... those of you that know me, you all realize how much that means to me. You know how much time and energy I devote to those two little creative beings. I must rebuild my world with the friends around me and truly be the best friend that I can possibly be. I must also be the best Christ-follower that i can be. And I'm starting to figure it out. Ego blinds us from a vital true. Being a Christ-follower isn't about how right and perfect WE are... its about how devote we are to HIM. He was right and perfect for us. I will speak more on that at the Feb 11th G-squared.

Grace and Peace

Bollman

A Romance in Lower Mathematics

For your viewing pleasure....



I'm but a squiggle!

Pray for peace and joy. Blessed are the penniless, blessed are the runover, blessed are the sick, blessed are the hurt... they are happy for they have a friend.

Bollman

Band News

Hey friends,

I need a break. I just can't handle all of these pressures at once. I am stepping away from this website and who knows what else. I just need some time in the Word and some alone time with God.

Pray for me. Pray for our ministry and our mission. I just am tired.

Bollman

Reaching for God

I have said many times before that we are always in a state of motion. We are either moving towards or away from God. We seek Him and His righteousness. We move within his grasp. We turn our eyes to worldly pursuits and the false idols of money and power and we slip away.

Jesus said:

"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
Luke 16:13

The world mocks and taunts those who try to live for higher things. They are square, they aren't cool... or they because fringe figures, radicals. Jesus himself encountered this.

The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus. He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.
Luke 16:14, 15

God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him
Genesis 1: 27

The focal point of Michelangelo's the Creation of man, part of the magnificent Sistine Chapel, is the contact between the fingers of the Creator and those of Adam, through which the breath of life is transmitted. God, supported by angels in flight and wrapped in a mantle, leans towards Adam, shown as a resting athlete, whose beauty seems to confirm the words of the Old Testament, according to which man was created to the image and likeness of God.

This image is one of the most indelible images in the history of art. Why? What makes it so amazing? The image holds your attention. There is a tension in the picture. The fingers aren't touching... they are about to touch. But there is a gap, a tiny space in between the finger of God and the finger of man. That little space... that allusive little separation is what keeps us from Him... its so much the same with our lives.


In the Creation of Man we see the story of our own relationship with the Father God. We don't see whether they are growing closer, closing the gap, or if Adam is slipping away.

We are always moving. Which way are you going? Towards truth and towards light? Or into the shadows? Let us drop what pulls us back and move ever forward towards Him, towards His greatness.