We buildt ourselves a pillar but we used it as a crutch

I have been traveling through a dry time spiritually for almost a year now. I have been inside myself... mulling over things like a wine taster savors a bit of wine in his or her acute mouth. For a long time I had no voice like a sick person has laryngitis. But slowly that internal itch has started to revive in my mind. The voice is starting to come back. I am wanting to write again, sing again, speak of Jesus again. One thing comes to mind... One obstacle that I have seen in others and my own walk (my own stumbles and my own falls as well).

I believe that we often find things in life that we think are pillars, strong stone things that we choose to build with. We set out to support our lives, our mission, our ministry upon these pillars. But we are weak men. Too often we take a pillar and turn it into a crutch... we become so dependent on them that our mission and our ministry becomes feeding that act, or being important enough, right enough, or righteous enough... we lose sight of what was important in the first place.

It's like the foolish scribes that memorize the Bible but never take a moment to understand, never let the Spirit reveal the deep Truth that is the WORD of God. They go to build a temple based on the Word but in the end only worship the words. Or people that spend so much time focused on shepherding their flocks that they become councilors and not holy men.

What can I say about this? I have been guilty of the trappings of the crutch syndrome. I believed myself to be the savior of a group of kids... and really I was just a vessel. My intentions were noble in the beginning but I let my ego get so out of hand that I lost touch with what matters in the big picture. In the end I guess we just have to strip down everything, wander into those dry times, and come back to the root of what matters...

THE BLOOD OF CHRIST!

At His feet I regain my right perspective- focused on HIM... at HIS CROSS I am face down and asking forgiveness. Let everything else melt away. In the end there is only Jesus. HE is all we need.

I think I am ready to write again...

I think its time I start penning these little ramblings again. I don't know if anyone will read them anymore... but that might not be the point. Maybe I just have some things to tell myself.

Stay tuned.

Hope vs. Hate

I fell asleep last night listening to the Hawkeyes play the Badgers of Wisconsin on WHO Radio 1040 out of Des Moines. When I woke up, the radio was still on. A radio preacherman was giving a sermon and I was very intrigued by his message. He was speaking about how the devil tempts us and tries to silence the Gospel. This is a topic dear to my heart. As a fan of C.S. Lewis and The Screwtape Letters I rolled over towards the radio and listened intently.

What I heard was a long rant on witches in our churches, boogiemen behind the doors and that one driving factor should bring us closer to our Savior... FEAR!!! Fear of everything.

After about fifteen minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I turned the channel to Iowa Public Radio. There I heard stories that inspired. Stories that shared the amazing glory of the Lord. They made me want to jump up and down and run out into the street and share a testimony of His power. There was a story of stained glass windows in the Bethlehem Cathedral in Washington D.C. and how their kaleidoscopic light shines in the dark worship hall as a metaphor of how Christ's Light shined into our darkened world as in the first chapter of the Gospel of John. Next folk music icon Emmylou Harris sang a song called 'The Pearl' which brought me to tears. It was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. Her haunting voice called through the radio like a ghost. These and the stories that followed shined a bright spotlight on God's awesome power and how only He can pull us up.

I thought about how glad I am that I was a Lutheran. I am free of fear. I can ever live in that freedom that Mike Williams used to preach on... A freedom in Christ to stop worrying and start reaching out to others in Christian Love. Light calls me to Christ... not fear of the dark.

The Gospel is filled with the message of LOVE and rescue. 90 percent of it is about love. The other 10 percent may warn us of how we falter and trip up but why would a ministry set out to inspire the masses with a doom and gloom. Christ wants us to reach out and spread love and life. He wants us to be the Light of the world... and how we do that is to show the AWESOME HEALING POWER OF HIS TRUTH AND HIS LOVE.

I am glad that I am free to live a life that FREE in Christ. WHO SHALL I FEAR??? Nothing can stand in the way of me and my Jesus... Not angels or demons or men or boogiemonsters. NOTHING.

Life Lessons by Brant Bollman

Lesson- Always brush your teeth with the lights on.

Reason- Vitamin A and D Ointment makes a very poor toothpaste!

Hey friends

Sorry I have been absent. Getting settled into a new school is really crazy. I have so much work to do right now its dizzying. Yearbook is a challenge and setting up a new course is kicking my butt time-wise. But I like my new school and have met some good friends.

I made this site private for a while. I may lift that sometime but I had a lot of high school students looking at my tattoos and stuff and that's not the point at all. If they want to see my tatts that can follow me to the pool or something. I guess I should look at the bright side, I'm kinda like a celebrity.

Personally, life is kind of crazy. Mary is looking to move again closer to Ottumwa to save on gas. This means that the kids will be farther way from me and overnights during the week will be much harder. But we are working things out. We will have more secure daycare and that's good.

Chris, Eric, Amanda and I went to a hawk game two weeks back. It was a great time. I will not mention what transpired this past Saturday. I am still in denial.

Pray for me... I am still walking the rocky road.

Grace and peace,

Brant

PS- I have a poem coming soon. Stay tuned.

God is Bigger

I have discovered one of the great parts of being a parent is teaching your children to rely on God when the world's trials arise. Recently my son has had a lot of bad dreams. He started to not what to sleep in his room anymore. I used this opportunity to talk about GOD.

"We don't have have to be afraid, buddy. Because God loves us. He made us and He's watching over us. And He is bigger than the monsters in our dreams."

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.


The next day we went down to the public library and checked out Where is God When I am Sc-scared, A Veggie Tales video. Addy watched it four times. It perfectly matched what I had said and addressed this problems. We continued the dialog about God and our fears through that entire day. When night came Adison went straight to bed with no problems. I watched by to check on him and I found him curled up with his stuffed puppy dog singing, "God is bigger than the boogie man. He's bigger than Godzilla or the Monsters on tv. Oh God is bigger than the boogie man and He's watching out for you and me!"

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

If funny. We all can learn from Bob the tomato and Larry the Cucumber on this. God isn't just bigger than the problems we imagine. He's bigger than the real struggles we face everyday in our real life. Give your fears to God and He's carry you through.

Let it shine, let it shine let it shine!!!!

I was taken to task last Sunday. I was sitting in the back of a church in my new home town. I came because of a promise I made Britta in the middle of the night. I was gonna stop letting disillusionment get in my way. I was heading back. I was getting back into the Word, I was gonna start playing my guitar again. I was gonna stop telling the Spirit that my heart is just too hurt for Him to work in me right now. I was going to finally let it go.

It was a fine service with a good message but the entire time I keep having this line of scripture run through my mind. I tried to ignore it but it wouldn't go away.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:14-16

After about thirty minutes of this I figured I'd better pay attention. So I prayed, "OK, Jesus... what are you trying to tell me?" And to this I felt the Spirit fall harder than I have since West Virginia. It was like a thunder clap. It's time, He whispered. It's time to shine your light. Or else you are going to smother it.

So It's time for me to start sharing my light again. It's time. I don't know what I'll be called to do, be it music, ministry, service... or just standing on the corner and waving like that old crazy guy used to do in Ottumwa out by KFC. But I'm not hiding it any more. I'm gonna let it shine!

Witch Hunt

Ever been part of a witch hunt? I unfortunately can say I have. As I have said before their was a pursuit of judgment, never justice. And unfortunately, that experience has left me very disillusioned with the entire process. I just keep playing this scene from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail over and over again.



The church, despite whatever twisted logic we force onto it, was never meant to scorn, cast out and punish those that are different. Christ came to save, heal, restore. Christ went to the rejected, the cast out, the fallen.

The Calling of Matthew
As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:9-13

Just as doctors do not treat the physically fit, Jesus did not come to create an elitist clutch of like-minded, pressed collared snobs. He came to save everyone. Jesus came in love, and loved us so much that He gave Himself in love on a cross so that we might enter into death and ever-lasting life with him.

Jesus called on us to help others, love our neighbors and spread the GOOD NEWS. That is out calling. We aren't to beat the hedges looking for phantom witches and make-believe boogie monsters when our lives start to go off track. That does unite the crowd, yes... but in who's name?

Christ stopped the crowed on the witch hunt. He stopped rebuked them... and He saved Her life.

SICK CYCLE CAROUSEL

I have talked with Aldger not longer a go. We shared of the same mistake. We both follow a God so big and so mighty... but we both try buiding something here with our own hands that might impress God. We both forget that God can do things so much more awesome than our two hands.

Sick Cycle Carousel
Lifehouse

if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes
would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
well here we go now one more time




I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this

so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this sick cycle carousel

We learn the lesson. We take Him in. He changes our life but still, the promise of paradise is so hard to believe... that we don't have to do anything to earn this gift. We aren't doing the work.. we are just giving up control to Him so that He can take over and do amazing things through us.

I am back off the carousel and on my knees again.

Everybody hurts

Some people I know blame all sin on Adam and Eve. They make it sound
like that they suffer just because Adam and Eve fell in the garden. They make it sound like that if not for this curse placed upon them they would have never sinned. I feel this is missing the point and missing something very important about sin.

The very nature of being human is that we fall. We all do. We try and try but on our own we never make it. Everybody is bitten by sin. Everyone is effected. Sin is like a virus in this world. We all suffer. We all hurt. All of our lives are bitten by sin.



Sin is an opportunity to heal. Doctors on the battlefield do not skip over the injured to give vaccines to the healthy. No! They chase down the fallen, the bleeding, the dieing. That is how Jesus was. He searched out the leaper, he hunted for the blind, the crippled, even the DEAD!
He touched them and He said, "You are forgiven. You have been restored!"

If you say that you are without sin you are joking yourself. If you think its just Adam and not your own bloody hands, you are deceived. We are all either hurt, hurting or being healed. We all need Jesus!

The Cat

THE CAT
Poem — Ryan Alexander

In April 2004, twenty-eight-year-old Ryan Alexander deployed to Iraq with the U.S. Army's Stryker Brigade Combat Team. (Alexander had served in the U.S. Marine Corps but was honorably discharged in 2001. When Operation Iraqi Freedom began, he volunteered to work with the SBCT as a civilian. The specifics of his job cannot be disclosed.) Alexander wrote the following poem about a cat he encountered soon after he arrived in Mosul.


She came to me skittish, wild.
The way you're meant to be,
surrounded by cruelty.
I did not blame her.
I would do the same.

A pregnant cat, a happy distraction;
some sort of normal thing.
Calico and innocent.

The kittens in her belly said feed me.

And I did.

She crept with careful eye,
Body held low to the dirt,
Snagged a bite,
And carried it just far enough away.

She liked the MREs,
the beef stew, the chicken breast, the barbeque pork,
but she did not like canned sardines.
I do not blame her.
I would do the same.

She came around again and again
finally deciding that I was no threat,
that this big man wasn't so bad.

I was afraid to touch her as the docs warned us.
Iraqi animals were carriers of flesh-eating disease.
I donned a plastic glove and was the first to pet
this wild creature who may be

the one true heart and mind that America
had won over.

After a while I forgot the glove and enjoyed
the tactile softness of short fur,
flesh-eating bacteria be damned.

Her belly swelled for weeks
and she disappeared for some days
until her kittens were safely birthed

in the shallow of a rusted desk
in the ruins that lined the road behind us.

She came around again slim
with afterbirth still matted to her hind legs.

She would return, but not quite as often.
She came to eat and for attention,
but there was nursing to be done.

One day she crept up with a kitten in her mouth.
She dropped it at my foot and stared up at me;
she expected something, but there was nothing I could do.
The young black and white kitten was dead,
its eyes not yet opened.

It looked like some shriveled old wise thing,
completely still, mouth puckered,
small body curled and limp.

She let me take the baby without a fight.
She knew, but seemed unaffected.

She had fetched me a gift,
a lesson,
among the worried nights,
shot nerves from poorly aimed mortar rounds:

Everything dies.
The evil, the innocent,
her baby and
me.

I thought I should say a prayer and bury
this poor little thing,
but I did for it what will be done for me.
I laid it in the burn can amongst the ash
and said I'm sorry.


From NPR 'Operation Homecoming'

Thank God

I thank God that we are...

Just the fact that humanity exists is at all is quite something. The earth exists at the perfect distance from the sun, has the perfect climate and meets our needs. It is a wonder that everything lined up perfectly that our world is hospitalable to us. It is an amazing thing to ponder.

I thank God that we are made...

Perhaps the greatest gift of life is breath, getting a chance to live. We have one life here on this earth and it is such a wonder, so rich with ups and downs, highs and lows, the very daily struggles that make life a miracle.

I thank God that we are made to serve...

We are placed here for a purpose. We aren't just mindless robots. We aren't just animals that go about meeting basic survival needs. We think, we reason, we dream. This great gift drives us towards goals. Make no mistake, we all serve something. OUr endevours work to build something. What a gift it is to work towards a purpose.


I thank God that we are made to serve HIM.

Even though God is big, bigger than the moon, bigger than the sky, bigger than anything we can grasp, He created us and called us to come back to Him and serve Him. He loves us and cares for us, even when we cannot see His hand at work in our lives. We aren't complete until we sacrifice our own lives and give them to his purpose. That is when we truly become alive.

Yes it is a miracle this gift of life. The fact that humanity exists at all is a wonder. But without a purpose, without God's perfect plan, we are just chance, a lucky run of random hapenstance. But with a wonderful creator of everything laying out a map of marvously miracles to place us here, called to the destiny of becoming His children, with a goal and a challenghe to live for, now that is an awesome thing to contemplate.

Thank GOD!

Mr. Frost

Lately I have been reading a lot of Robert Frost. It’s interesting that I am learning a lot about who I am from America’s country bard. I’m beginning to understand who I am and who I was and how my tastes have change through time.

In my younger days I didn’t get Frost. I found his lyrics slow and quiet. I would read them, and like a dud firecracker when there wasn’t an immediate boom I’d move on to something louder, hungrier and more passionate. Walt Whitman was my choice. He was a man after my own heart. Perhaps I should say he was the madman after my own heart. He went about devouring everything is his path. Whitman’s writings are wild and as unruly as the poet’s feral appearance. Whitman is a machine gun out of control mowing down everything in his path.

With great delight I have rediscovered Frost. His rhyme and structure are ordered, quiet, and subtle. Each one is its own little puzzle that challenges you to think. To find the marrow of Frost’s work you have to look around corners and under rocks for little hidden mysteries. These days, I value that slower pace. I yearn for the quiet. I am intrigued by the deeper meaning hovering underneath Frost’s work. Reading his work is almost a different activity. Whitman sprinted about jumping and shouting while Frost strolled through a quiet meadow and contemplated the meaning of life, love and God hidden in each blade of grass.

It’s funny how I have changed and how evident that is in my taste for poetry. I no longer am in that hurry. I have eased up on the accelerator that was once jammed ever down to the floorboard as I raced through life. I am taking time to stop, look around and take life in. Some days I wish I were younger. It would likely make my relationships much easier. But the truth is that the brash, impulsive person I was in college, the one that wanted to speed recklessly through life with the medal to the metal and consume everything in his path and leave life as a shooting star, that person wouldn’t have made the strong, lasting bonds that I have made with these past two years.

The Lord’s timing is a funny thing. It isn’t always simple or convenient. He works differently then we do. It often isn’t easy for others to understand. But He doesn’t give us what we want. He gives us what we NEED.

I am finding grace in my friendships in places I never expected. I have found people that share my values and goals and want to devout their lives to serving the Lord just as I do. I thank God for putting them in my life.

The Robert Frost reading, more patient Brant is ready to look for the mysterious and unexpected… even if it requires searching under each rock and each blade of grass during long walks in the country. It’s amazing. You never know where you can find love.

Gordon the Express Engine

My son loves Thomas the Tank Engine. He spends his time turning my little apartment into a jumble of train tracks. He flips over laundry baskets and stacks blocks and winds blue plastic tracks everywhere.

We were hanging out watching a video of Thomas and Friends and I was reminded of the Gospel. There is a large steam engine named Gordon that pulls the express. He thinks himself the fastest, the best, and the most important engine on the entire island of Sodor. Often times, this causes him to stumble. His pride becomes arrogance and his arrogance leads him astray.



In this episode, Gordon finds himself hauling freight cars (a task much to undignified for a majestic engine such as himself). "I'm an express engine! I don't haul dirty freight cars." Gordan exclaimed. But the train station manager, Sir Toppum Hat, saw to it that the big, blue express engine did as he was told.





Rumbling down the tracks, freight cars in tow, Gordon grumbled all the way. 'I am too good for this. I should be doing things my own way.'

When he came to a stretch marked GO SLOW, Gordon chuffed, "I am an express! I don't go slow!" and he steamed ahead faster. But when he came to a tricky patch of tracks the weight was too much for him and he went wight off the tracks. He careened down a hill, crashed through a manure pile, slammed through a pile of old tires and crashed right through a barn.

Gordon was humiliated. Sir Toppum Hat arrived and scolded him. He reminded him that he desires very usual engines. But then he called for the breakdown train to come and help clean up the mess and get Gordon back on track.

His lesson learned, Gordon returned to work humbled and more accepting of his position. He saw being an express as a gift but not as a privilege to be better than anyone else.

We are a lot like Gordon. We think that God has made us better than others. We think we are more special or set apart. Often we don't want to do dirty jobs... even when called by the Lord to do so. Look at Jonah for example. He didn't want to Nineveh. So he took off for the end of the earth instead.

When our pride turns to arrogance, we start making our own decisions instead of following God's will. Eventually our lives get out of control and we go off track. We even crash. Sometimes that crash is quite messy indeed. But God still loves us. He is always right there to help us back on track. He reminds us that He is GOD and that we are not. But He takes us back and puts us back into service for Him.

He wants us to be very usual Christ-followers, using our gifts not to boost our own station or boast our superiority, but to bring glory to our Father.

He always gets us back on track. ALWAYS.

My Desire

Just in case you have forgotten what it is all about let's take a moment and listen to Jeremy Camp and let him focus our hearts and our minds back where they belong.



My Desire
Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use

Graduation

I was part of an amazing church ceremony. It was graduation morning and surrounded by friends, family, and the smell of egg bake, we celebrated Amanda's graduation. In her living room, sitting in a circle we praised God, thanked Him for giving us such a shining star, and set her on her way into this world where we all know that she will be a Light Barer.

We started with music. Chris and I leading the singing on Open the Eyes of My Heart, a tune that we did at every G-squared. That is very fitting since Amanda was at every G-squared and in fact was often a vital part, leading prayer, reading Scripture, or sharing her testimonial.

After this, Calla Johnson gave a message directed towards Amanda but received by us all. The meaning? Jesus Christ's love is a force that is unstoppable. The world is hurt by sin and there are people chosen by God to be the love and to shine in the darkness and help people stop hurting.

"You are the light of the world. Let your light shine before others, so they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:14, 16

We all shared moments when we were with Amanda where the Lord's love shined through. There was at the Veteran Stand Down when she touched the heart of a homeless veteran and the Lord started working in her heart. There was the experience on the West Virginia Mission Trip where she saw a miracle. There was at the Open Door Mission when we met Kevin and saw Grace working in him like an atomic bomb. All of those moments were times when God was showing her something important... that He is alive and amazing and accessible today. Amanda, shaped by those events just doesn't believe this... She lives it. She always reminds me the power of prayer- not passive prayers like thank you cards to God, but powerful prayers like a hammer striking an anvil.

Amanda has been shaped by trials as well. She has lost people dear to her, had her life changed by divorce and lived through attacks from the evil one. This past year she has handle with faith and dignity events that people twice her age wouldn't have handled. Why did God allow her to endure these things? Calla purposed that He is preparing her to face great challenges in the future. Serving the Lord is NEVER easy. Enemies try and strike you down every chance they get. But God is there in the dark times just as close as He is when there are miracles and triumphs. And that she has taken to heart. She is ready for trials.



Next we all formed a circle around Amanda and laid hands on her. We prayed for her, thanking God for getting to know her, bidding that He watch over her and keep her safe, and reminding her that we are always there for her. It was amazing.

Finally, Calla next played Lifesong by Casting Crowns and dedicated the song to Amanda.



We all know that the Lord has special plans for her. We have been blessed to share some time with her on her walk with the Lord. It was a very special ceremony for a very special person at the end of one stage in all of our lives.

Go with God and do amazing things, Amanda. We have you back!

Numbers

Hey friends,

I just wanted to make a quick shout out to all my friends. Me second LG Chocolate phone puked out on me!!! I got a replacement but I have lost a lot of numbers. If you read this and haven't got a text from me lately, please send me a quick text so I can save your number back into my address book.


Also, in two weeks I will switch over to the following email address fulltime-

bbollman@thrownroom.com

Grace and peace,

Bollman

Agents of Evil

Inspired by Amanda's poem, I have been thinking about agents of the evil one. In the past, I have compared the devil's handy work to that of the Emperor in Star Wars: Episode III. But Amanda's words lead me to the Bible.

"you" by Amanda Robertson

We all remember King Herod from the magi in Nativity story. He was a power-hungry, evil man willing to stop at nothing to keep his authority. Today is no different. There are always herods, people that are jealous of the light. They attack it, even try to destroy it by any means possible.

The magi were on a mission. They traveled across the land with a just purpose. They sought JESUS. They wanted to worship the child that would be King of the Jews. They came to honor Him, pay Him tribute, to give Him praise.

Herod was a vile and jealous man. He could not stand anything being honored but himself. He had to be the one in the limelight. Anything or anyone else was a threat... Even a little baby born in a cave. Herod hated the light and he would do anything to stomp it out.

What a snake! When the magi came to Herod seeking the mysteries of the star, he pretended to also want to meet the Christ-child.

He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

Matthew 2:8

Sometimes the devil has agents that pretend to be seeking the truth. But in fact they are acting just like Herod. They sneak into the flock like a wolf in sheep's clothing. They pretend to be fellow seekers. But in fact they merely seek targets to attack and destroy.

But the Lord gave the magi wisdom, and they did not return to Herod to expose the location of the Christ-child. Instead they presented Him gifts and headed on their way.

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.

Matthew 2:16

In the end, those jealous of the Light will do any dastardly deed to try and destroy it. But will not succeed.

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

John 3:19-21


Perhaps when you read these words you too have someone leap into your mind. Maybe you know someone that is a herod. But as Christ-followers we must be faithful and live by truth. There, in the light, the misdeeds of the agents of evil may be revealed.

A Lamp in the Night

As I have stated, I am heading out into the big world. I think of myself as an adventurer boarding a ship for a strange new world. Where I go only the Lord knows. But I will carry this lamp as my guide.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105



Your Words

Darkness falls, safe harbor disappears behind me,
Bitter cold envelops me, I pull my cloak tight
Deep purple fills the world and pulls my heart down
my fears become ghosts and whisper that I am lost and dying

The sounds of night haunt me
The cry of invisible beasts bring my feet to a gallop
I lose my footing, I stumble
Darkness buries me, I am lost and dying

But then the light, the light that pierces the dark
The warm yellow shaft, like a sword
Sweeps through the murk and gives sight to my blind eyes,
My feet find the ground, my heart swells

Lord you are my light
When I am trapped in the dark I look for you
Lord, your Words sooth me, they rescue me
They pick me up, they comfort me in this dark wilderness.

Lord, Your words are like a torch in the darkness
They light my way
I will not fail with you warming my world
I will carrying that light always

Repost and Comments Wayfaring Stranger 2/25/06

The Following blog entry was originally posted on 2/25/06 after a folk jam with my old friends Tom Potts, Terry Crosley and the gang in Kimballton. I was listening to The Beautiful Letdown the other day and it brought me right back here- to that moment- contemplating tears on the West Virginia mission trip.

---

WAYFARING STRANGER

I am a poor wayfaring stranger,
While traveling through this world of woe.
Yet there’s no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright world to which I go.
I’m going there to see my Father;
I’m going there no more to roam.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

I know dark clouds will gather round me;
I know my way is rough and steep.
But golden fields lie out before me
Where God’s redeemed shall ever sleep.
I’m going there to see my mother,
She said she’d meet me when I come.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

I’ll soon be free from every trial,
My body sleep in the churchyard;
I’ll drop the cross of self denial
And enter on my great reward.
I’m going there to see my Savior,
To sing His praise forevermore.

I’m only going over Jordan,
I’m only going over home.

We are just travelers here. Whether you are cognoscente of it or not, you too are on a road to a different place. For a long stretch of my life I was working so hard to heap up things that matter in this world. I cared about status and money and such. I was focused on the things in front of me. That is all I could... all I could imagine.

"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or--worse!-stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

-Matthew 6:19-20

Then the revelation came during that summer mission trip to Charleston, WV. The Lord utilized me in ways I had never imagined. I felt the Holy Spirit working in me, changing me into someone else. I helped kids grow closer to Christ and blossom spiritually. I had always been the teacher that everyone loved. It was so rewarding to transform that student/teacher relationship into one of a spiritual leader. At a foot washing ceremony on the last night of our mission trip we all prayed and prayed. I really opened myself up to God and let Him use me unconditionally. I could feel Old Adam dying and Christ building up a new better person in me.

We shared many hugs, many tears and truly felt the Spirit move. I knew then I had found my calling. I found a quiet corner and prayed, “This evening is the start of a new life for me. I hold nothing back from you Lord. Every part of me belongs to You. Use me as You will.” I wanted to be just as energized and passionate about Jesus EVERYDAY of my life as I was on mission trips.

This was a moment I will never forget. I sat in the men's dorm room weeping for hours into the night... but I was gitty. I just kept on thinking... so this is what life is about! I had found 'it'. And to think, I had been wasting my efforts on other things... when the whole time, 'it' was right here for free. It was a beautiful letdown when I realized that I had everything backwards. Real joy comes from sharing God's light with others. Before, I taught about great artists like Picasso and Pollock. Now I teach about the greatest artist of all, the one that made the earth and stars and knew me before I was even born.

There is nothing more bittersweet than the moment that you realize that you are a complete idiot and everything you had been living for was wrong. Jon Foreman calls this the beautiful letdown.

Beautiful Letdown
Switchfoot

It was a beautiful let down when I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down the day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in, until I found out I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down when you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down that's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free
We're still chasing our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong, I don't belong here
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah, let my foolish pride forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down, painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts, the losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here, feels like I don't belong here
Let me down, because I don't belong here
Please, won't you let me down?

In the years since my late night awakening, my paradigm has shifted. I now see this entire life as merely an on-ramp for a much better ride. And the place we are headed hasn't got any of the baggage that we are used to. No sickness, toil or danger. It is just one long interstate. But unfortunately, some people do not realize that they have missed their exit and are headed for the wrong road. Friends, I ask you to take a moment and evaluate where your priorities are set. What are you living for?

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A year and a half later I have new perspectives. I feel more than ever a longing for the future Kingdom where tears are wiped from my eyes. But I see this world as a place to shine light, to bring heaven here. We are to shine the Light into dark corners here. So it is off into the world with my Lamp on new adventures.

Go with God.