Yo-yo

Lately I have felt like a yo-yo. I have been so up and down. Then about two weeks ago I felt like I runs running thin, loosing momentum and hitting the bottom of my strong, emotionally limp, just hanging there.

I have looked many places for answers. I have looked to my own inner discipline, doubling my work-outs, grinding through hip and back pain, adding weight, pushing my number of push-ups up and up. It still feel empty.

I have looked to my dear, dear friend who I love with all my heart. I have wanted her to fill this gap inside me. But the more I push the further away she seems. We still love each other but we both have things eating at us... and my stubborn resolve to force things together wont work. Love has to be easy and free- not rammed into place with a crow bar.

I have looked for professional satisfaction, trying harder and harder to be as good a teacher as I can be. And while it is great to see kids learning... my insides are still aching.

I have tried to pour my soul into my music... and there I am getting closer. There I am reaching for a goal. Getting closer to the prize.

I have a few students that are witnessing to me right now. They are speaking to me about how Christ is working in their hearts. Sometimes I talk back. Sometimes I share my experiences. Sometimes I let slip through the cracks in my fingers the light that I squeeze so tight in the palms of my clutched hands. That's when I feel good. That is when I feel alive.

When I yell at my friend, she gets hurt. She runs aways. When I pray for her, we share sweet, sweet conversations.

When I read the Bible, I feel focused.

When I go to church I feel alive.

When I play the old songs... oh the old songs... I am Brant Bollman again. I am not a yo-yo. I am whole.

I need more of HIM and less of all the noise in my life. I need to lean MORE on Him and less on my own anger and stubborn will. I need to let go. I need to let the light shine.

Its scary. Its so so scary. But its better than going up and down.